Loving God When Your Positives Turn to Negatives

My daughter-in-law & I were matching socks and having normal conversation.  We typically spend a day together throughout the week doing laundry, chasing kids, and catching up on the latest.  I asked her about her pregnancy a few times throughout the day and her response was minimal and lacked any enthusiasm.  If I would have taken the time to access what I had seen & heard from her body language in the last few weeks, I would've known right away, but I didn't.

I continued to ask til finally I laid down the obvious in question form...
Why are you not excited about this baby??
Why don't you ever talk about your pregnancy??
You know you can be happy around me, right?


I certainly thought this must be about me.

Why else would she be harboring joyful feelings about a new baby?

We found out they were expecting again just recently.  It was a tough time just because we had lost our own pregnancy one month prior.  Although we were happy to be having another sweet one on the way, we were reminded of what we also just lost a few short weeks ago.  I was certain that she was being careful around me because of that and didn't want to rub it in that she was pregnant.  How selfish my heart can be at times.

She barely looked up at me and said, "I just don't know how things are going to work out..."

What could she mean?
Finances?...things will always work itself out.
Housing?...they do have a small place and will need another bedroom.
Work?...Juggling a schedule, 2 kids, a home, and possibly school in the fall...
All of these things are factors that can be overcome, she must know that.

Then she spoke, still with her face downward pretending to focus on the socks...

"The Dr said that I am probably losing the baby."

What!! 

My heart sank deep and a range of emotions set in.  For two weeks this dear girl, my own daughter, had known her baby was possibly dying and not saying a word.  I couldn't believe it.

Infertility and pregnancy loss has always been a part of my married life.  With 11 losses and 17 yrs of infertility experience, I am a seasoned veteran in this arena.  This is what I know, who I am, this is my area of expertise.  It's been my scarlet letter, my identity, my testimony... how can my daughter sit across from me for weeks and I miss all the signs?

A few days later I rubbed her back and sat with her as she labored in the passing of my grand baby.

Trusting God while hating infertility is a tough combination.  A friend of mine explained it to me like this the other day...

A women hates infertility which causes her excruciating pain and loss, all the while she loves the God who can save her from it, One who can take it all away but chooses not to.  It's a tough balance.

Infertility and pregnancy loss is about trusting God.  Bottom-line.
Every testimony you hear, every story you read, every article, diagnosis, every failed cycle or blank pregnancy test is about Him.  The One who gives life and the One who can chose not to give it.  It's about learning to rely on and give glory to a God who loves you even when He tells you no.  Even when He allows your womb to be closed and your positives turn to negatives. 

It's the same as any loss or disappointment you may face in life.

You can look forward into the future, you can look behind you into despair, or you can tilt your chin upward and see hope.  God's tenderness in times like that are only seen if you look up.  If you look too far ahead you may see fear, afraid to trust God because of what you have already gone through.  If you look behind, you may feel anger, reminding yourself of what you wanted rescued from, but had to endure.

But.  If you look up; you will see truth.  You will see that you are not being punished, not being disciplined, and not being unworthy.

Your heart will soon start to see that you are not only set apart for God's great purpose but you are actually favored.  Set aside, not as you are in trouble, but as you are the star pupil, the leading role, and the blessed one.  The trusted one.  The one that when the enemy cowers before the Lord and asks permission to test you, God says yes...because He knows your heart.  He hears the conversation between you and Him and He knows that as much as you want to have a baby or be a mother again; you want Him more!  And He is willing to show the world that you are His girl!

If you look up, you will see that while you are running this race with calloused soles and swollen joints; He is standing at the finish line with a bouquet of flowers and a name time for your shirt that says, Mine.

It's never been about us, about you.
It's never been about me...its always been about Him.

Lessons in Mushroom Hunting

(A favorite post from my archives)

I went mushroom hunting the other day.

As I was putting on my boots, I imagined great success in gathering them all up and frying them with a touch of butter & salt in the skillet. 

A few days ago we went with a group of our neighbors and scoured a huge woods in the the hopes of bringing home dinner.  As everyone started inching themselves along, I found myself alone and out of view of the others.  I started talking with God about the mushrooms...sounds goofy I know, but why not.

I was asking Him to highlight them to me so that I may be able to spot one.  Sure enough almost as soon as the thought left my mind, I spotted a big spike with a nice yellow stalk..standing so tall and proud.  You get so excited when you find one, maybe its because there are tons of foliage all around and so very few mushrooms.  Its like finding gold in a pit of mud, he just stood out & appeared so valuable.  I was hesitate to tell anyone I found any, for they all swarm so quickly in hopes that its a good patch.

I picked him up and carefully put him in my plastic sack, wanting him to stay nice and safe so I could show him off  later.  As I went to wander off in search of more, I heard a challenge in my mind to stay put and ask God again to highlight another.  I didn't see the harm in it so again I asked the Lord, please show me another for I don't know where they could be.

Sure enough another spike stood tall!

This time I thought that if I stood on the spot that He just showed me, and looked around, waiting... that maybe I could spot another.  One led to another led to another to another and soon I had large amount of mushrooms.  All along I was in conversation with God about how much it pleases me to find one in the midst of this forest community. 

As I stooped to pick up a beautiful spike barely peeking out from underneath some leaves, I heard the verse...."Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."  I listened as God showed me that life is very much like the "game" I was playing with Him in the woods.  Each choice is like a mushroom, if I ask Him which way to go, and listen..and sometimes wait...He Will show me the next step.  Each time I stand where He places me, He will highlight the way for the next spot. 

Sometimes as I found one, I would see another just a bit off...and He would tell me, pick the one I showed you first then gather the next one.  Pick them in the order I show you.  He would tell me how important it was to take my eyes off the 2nd one until the first one was safely in the bag.  I could see how vital it was to pay close attention to the step I was on and to take care of that task first before looking ahead to what was waiting for me.  Once I was so excited about what I saw in the distance that I left the first one and practically tripped over my feet for the 2nd & 3rd one to find out that they wasn't mushrooms at all, they were merely leaves mocking what I was looking for.  It caused me to fail the step I was supposed to be on..only to be deceived into grabbing for something that was not what it seemed.

My last spot of the day had me waiting for quite a while for the next "pick"
I kept asking, please highlight it to me...and I would wait. I saw some downed logs nearby and thought that it looked like the perfect area for molds to grow so I tromped over there knowing the small voice in my mind said to remain where I was.  Ignoring my instinct, I rushed over and searched rapidly for a quick peek.  After several minutes and no avail, I remembered a lesson I have learned many times before and that is "If you don't know where God wants you to be, go to the last place He put you...and wait."  I humbly walked back seeking for the exact spot I found my last pick...as I knew I couldn't find it & that the sun was going down, I decided to call it quits.

As we walked out of the woods I was thankful for what I just learned.

The next morning I went to the Dr. and was told our baby's chromosome testing had came back.  She was a healthy girl...but we would never know her this side of heaven.

Heavy information...my mind fluttered of images that played out inside my head.
What our lives could of looked like...
What she would have looked like...
What her voice would of sounded like...
How happy Ilana would of been to have a baby sister...
How even more empty the nursery is, now that I know she is a girl...

The burden is so hard to bear.  I cried to God...what should I do, how can I stop this from happening again..why is my body rejecting my own children???

I stood on that spot of questions and waited, and because of the teachings from the day before, I know that it's best for me to remain here til He highlights my next "pick".

 Where should I go Lord...What should we do...We are waiting on You.


You can find me linked-up on these fabulous blogs!
http://www.intentionallypursuing.com/2015/05/intentional-tuesday-linkup-week-18/
http://fdeanhackett.com
http://cornerstoneconfessions.com
http://hollybarrett.org/2015/05/testimony-tuesday-bethany-boring.html
http://timewarpwife.com
http://purposefulfaith.com/
http://theenchantingrose.blogspot.com/search/label/Linky%20Party
http://raisinghomemakers.com/
http://teachingwhatisgood.com/earnestly-seek-you/
http://www.adelightsomelife.com/2015/05/a-return-to-loveliness-85.html
http://www.marthasfavorites.com/
http://www.astrollthrulife.net/2015/05/268th-inspire-me-tuesdday.html#more
http://www.hopestudios.blogspot.com/
http://womenwithintention.com
http://www.w2wministries.org/
http://jenniferdukeslee.com/tellhisstory-a-love-letter-for-a-second-born-child/
http://www.paintedteacup.com
http://www.givinguponperfect.com/tag/works-for-me-wednesday/
http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com
http://raisinghomemakers.com
http://www.ducksnarow.com
http://tsuzanneeller.com
http://3dlessons4life.com/
http://creativekkids.com
http://www.domesblissity.blogspot.com/
http://ichoosejoy.org/
http://saving4six.com
 http://www.treasuretromp.com

Raised from the dead; a true story!

Once upon a time we had a litter of Great Dane puppies. 

Unfortunately we were careless and went on a outing for dinner from 5-9pm. We came home to our girl already in labor.  7 puppies lay dead.

We thought she had another week until she was due, and so were were shocked and very upset that the puppies didn't survive.  She went on to deliver 5 more puppies, by the time we have everything set up...warming pads, bedding, heat lamp, towels, etc it was around midnight.

Around 1 in the morning I asked my husband to go get the puppies that were dead.  Looking at me like I was insane, I just stated, "I just want to see if they were boys or girls." They had been gone between 4 to 8 hours at this time.  Their paws were white and mouths were hanging open, it was hard to look at. We carefully washed them off so I could look at them closely and placed them inside a laundry basket with towels. 

I stared at the basket saddened by such a loss. I thought of my own children that never was able to experience life in this world. I have always pictured them perfect in every way, just as these little babies seem to have everything they needed except the breath of life in their bodies.

My husband looked at me with concern, I did feel a little weird about bringing them up to the house...even more so that they were now tucked in snugly. I placed the basket on a kitchen chair and wanted to wait til morning to bury them. I really don't know why.

My daughter was still awake, for we had been rushing around and failed to tuck her into bed  As she walked past the basket on her way upstairs, she stopped and asked if she could see the puppies.  I didn't think it was a good idea...but she was persistent. I explained to her that they were not alive and they will look as if they are sleeping.  She instantly had compassion and talked about how sad it was. Death is never pretty or easy to explain.

Then as she turned to go to bed, she said "Wait! We should pray for them!"

My mind raced for some excuse to tell her why praying wouldn't be a good response, but I couldn't find any.  I was mostly worried about what to tell her when her prayer request failed, for she has never doubted God's capability or desire to fill her requests.  This was way too big of a prayer though and I was sure I was going to have to come up with some convincing theory to explain why God is not responding.

She prayed, "Dear God, please wake these puppies up so they can play.  Amen!"

Then she skipped off to bed.

I tucked her in while conversing with God in my mind..."now what are we going to tell her?"
Then we fell asleep.

At 4am, at least 6 hours after we came home and found the litter, I hear a faint cry.

I went downstairs and found 2 of the seven puppies had "WOKE UP"
They were struggling to breath, we ran them under warm water, administered oxygen, and rubbed them constantly.  An hour later they were nursing!

We now had 7 live healthy puppies, I didn't know which 2 pups were the ones that were given permission by God to be part of this miracle. I was so excited and in disbelief that I never marked them, I just gave them to their mother to nurse.

The next morning I couldn't hardly contain myself to tell my little girl!  I woke her up early and said "guess what?.."  She didn't seem at all surprised by it, she just smiled like she expected it and went to see them.

I realized that I am often surprised by Gods miracles, which if I was honest with myself, means that I probably have disbelief in my heart in some areas.

I don't know where you are in your prayer life and relationship with God, but I hope this story makes whatever doubts you have about Him, smaller.  He cared about those pups, about Ilana's prayer, and about my doubts.  Since this is true, He must care about you, your big things, and your little things.  And if you have a hard time believing this, He really must want to be bigger to you then you have allowed Him to be.

I am working on my disbelief daily, by praying frequently about things that are out of my reach.  I try to not be surprised when I  hear about miracles that He has done or prayers that He answers.  I want the shock factor to fall away, because I know that it's a hint of doubt.  I want to KNOW that He can do anything...and that He wants to.  

I want to pray, skip off to bed, and know when I wake up, that He took care of it...and not because He has to prove Himself to me, but because He just loves to see me smile and be confident in Him as my source.

Be bold in prayer...He really really wants you to!! 

You can find me linked-up on these fabulous blogs!
http://timewarpwife.com/ 
http://cornerstoneconfessions.com 
http://purposefulfaith.com/
http://hollybarrett.org
http://www.intentionallypursuing.com
http://teachingwhatisgood.com
http://www.w2wministries.org/
http://jenniferdukeslee.com
http://holleygerth.com/
http://momsmorningcoffee.com
http://www.simplifiedlife.net
http://kayleneyoder.com
http://countingmyblessings.com
http://lauraboggess.com/
http://amamasstory.com
http://www.proverbialhomemaker.com
http://www.blessedbutstressed.com

10 Weeks to go

Spent some time with Elle yesterday; Its was good to see her and chat for awhile.  Her reassurance that this baby is ours is priceless.  She may never know what she is doing for us..how divine it is and what it took to get us here. 

I am grateful today for my infertility and should I dare to say...our miscarriages.

It takes a mouthful of deep breaths to say that aloud; a core response; a hard thought.  Its not easy to say.  I do mean it though. 

I look at FNF and the women who surround me; the women that I surround; and see it all working together for the good of ....the good of God :)

He is good, that's what I am remembering today.  If only I could keep this truth engulfing me so that I wouldn't forget and start looking inward again.  Its so effortless to slip back into falseness.  This time I'll try to keep truth around a bit longer...and remember it a bit faster when I'm feeling down.

10 weeks left to go...give or take.  10 weeks and we will see his face...the face of promises and dreams that have been moving stories in my heart for years upon years.  I await you little one.

Exciting News!

It is definitely time for a major update.  My break from blogging has consumed me as the summer keeps flying by.  Here is a summary of all that has taken place in the last 6 weeks.

FNF Fans...we are on a incredible incline of blessings!  Starting September 1st we will launch the rough draft of our new web site (www.faithnfertility.org) We are super pumped!  Not only will it be a great source of information and resources for families, but also a place to call home for couples struggling with infertility & pregnancy loss.  We will have a FNF blog, merchandise for purchase, and awareness for some really great charities!

We are in the process of getting our Nonprofit status and working on our first annual event in Ft Wayne.  On April 14th of next year we will be working side by side with Star 88.3 on a incredible event for families in the surrounding areas! How great is that!!  We are so thrilled they have decided to be our "hosting station" for the event and alongside other sponsors we will be able to bring resources and possibly a concert with Laura Story (fingers crossed and praying hard) to our community!

Sept 1st the Swiss City Monthly, a publication that comes out in Adams co. every month, is featuring Logan & I along with FNF as their cover story :)  We were contacted last month and did personal interviews with their staff about our journeys and vision.  Its been an blessed few months for sure!

With all of this going on it has taken away the slow pace of life as we await our new baby due Nov. 12th.  As the weeks keep slipping by, we get more and more excited to see his little face :)  "Elle" is doing fantastic!  She had some preterm labor a few weeks ago that gave us a scare but since then things have slowed down and went back to normal.  She is ready to be "baby free" as the summer is hot and she is uncomfortable.  Only 11 short weeks remain and then he will be all snuggled up at home.  Elle and I spent our birthdays together last week since they are so close together.  We got manicures/pedicures and went out for dinner...Chads treat :)  It was nice to spend time and just chat about life.  Its amazing what God has done in this whole thing for both of us!

I'm starting to get into "baby mode" cleaning the house, simplifying life, clearing out unwanted things and such.  We started gathering items for baby and its getting fun now.  The scary part seems to have left; there is not much fear that Elle will change her mind or something will happen from now to then.  It just seems right and feels good.  Chad was laying on the couch last night with his eyes closed...I thought he was asleep til I heard him say.."I cant wait til my baby boy is here."  "I know," I said.  Sigh*  I cant believe its almost time.

On the other side of opening our lives to a new baby, our oldest son Tanner has moved out on his own.  Another deep breath.  That's so hard on a momma's heart.  Everyday I miss him.

Well, that's my quick run-down of life here for us.  Please be prayerful for our family, Chad is currently fighting meningitis and mono, Tanner started his senior yr of school today, and Ilana is very patiently waiting for her baby brother.  I continue to work on FNF and hope that God will use all of us for something great!

**If you are not currently a part of Faith N Fertility please look us on on facebook.  We would love to have your friendship!