Loving God When Your Positives Turn to Negatives

My daughter-in-law & I were matching socks and having normal conversation.  We typically spend a day together throughout the week doing laundry, chasing kids, and catching up on the latest.  I asked her about her pregnancy a few times throughout the day and her response was minimal and lacked any enthusiasm.  If I would have taken the time to access what I had seen & heard from her body language in the last few weeks, I would've known right away, but I didn't.

I continued to ask til finally I laid down the obvious in question form...
Why are you not excited about this baby??
Why don't you ever talk about your pregnancy??
You know you can be happy around me, right?


I certainly thought this must be about me.

Why else would she be harboring joyful feelings about a new baby?

We found out they were expecting again just recently.  It was a tough time just because we had lost our own pregnancy one month prior.  Although we were happy to be having another sweet one on the way, we were reminded of what we also just lost a few short weeks ago.  I was certain that she was being careful around me because of that and didn't want to rub it in that she was pregnant.  How selfish my heart can be at times.

She barely looked up at me and said, "I just don't know how things are going to work out..."

What could she mean?
Finances?...things will always work itself out.
Housing?...they do have a small place and will need another bedroom.
Work?...Juggling a schedule, 2 kids, a home, and possibly school in the fall...
All of these things are factors that can be overcome, she must know that.

Then she spoke, still with her face downward pretending to focus on the socks...

"The Dr said that I am probably losing the baby."

What!! 

My heart sank deep and a range of emotions set in.  For two weeks this dear girl, my own daughter, had known her baby was possibly dying and not saying a word.  I couldn't believe it.

Infertility and pregnancy loss has always been a part of my married life.  With 11 losses and 17 yrs of infertility experience, I am a seasoned veteran in this arena.  This is what I know, who I am, this is my area of expertise.  It's been my scarlet letter, my identity, my testimony... how can my daughter sit across from me for weeks and I miss all the signs?

A few days later I rubbed her back and sat with her as she labored in the passing of my grand baby.

Trusting God while hating infertility is a tough combination.  A friend of mine explained it to me like this the other day...

A women hates infertility which causes her excruciating pain and loss, all the while she loves the God who can save her from it, One who can take it all away but chooses not to.  It's a tough balance.

Infertility and pregnancy loss is about trusting God.  Bottom-line.
Every testimony you hear, every story you read, every article, diagnosis, every failed cycle or blank pregnancy test is about Him.  The One who gives life and the One who can chose not to give it.  It's about learning to rely on and give glory to a God who loves you even when He tells you no.  Even when He allows your womb to be closed and your positives turn to negatives. 

It's the same as any loss or disappointment you may face in life.

You can look forward into the future, you can look behind you into despair, or you can tilt your chin upward and see hope.  God's tenderness in times like that are only seen if you look up.  If you look too far ahead you may see fear, afraid to trust God because of what you have already gone through.  If you look behind, you may feel anger, reminding yourself of what you wanted rescued from, but had to endure.

But.  If you look up; you will see truth.  You will see that you are not being punished, not being disciplined, and not being unworthy.

Your heart will soon start to see that you are not only set apart for God's great purpose but you are actually favored.  Set aside, not as you are in trouble, but as you are the star pupil, the leading role, and the blessed one.  The trusted one.  The one that when the enemy cowers before the Lord and asks permission to test you, God says yes...because He knows your heart.  He hears the conversation between you and Him and He knows that as much as you want to have a baby or be a mother again; you want Him more!  And He is willing to show the world that you are His girl!

If you look up, you will see that while you are running this race with calloused soles and swollen joints; He is standing at the finish line with a bouquet of flowers and a name time for your shirt that says, Mine.

It's never been about us, about you.
It's never been about me...its always been about Him.

Overwhelmed

I cannot capitalize the word OVERWHELMED big enough or make it as bold & defined as it feels in my life right now.  It came instantly when my plans turned a different course today.

Just trucking along and then WHAM!  There it is, you spin around and end a bit dizzy.  You reach out to maintain some balance when you slip and fall and someone always sees you do it.  Someone always turns away from the scene with the impression that you are insignificant.  And for some reason you start to care what they think of you.

With your muddy knees and bruised appearance, you begin to doubt everything you were doing prior to your stupid incident.

The path you were on with cheerleaders & team-players, the determined path with play lists and details that made sense turns into something else.

It turns into lonely.

I thought I knew for sure.
I thought it was figured out.
I thought we had a way.

Tell me you can relate to this!!  Tell me that I'm not the only one who feels alone in times of loneliness.

Last night I was reading a book to the kids, teaching them the power behind praising God in the troubled times of life.  Allowing it to not only be a great response to the pains the world offers, but being the initial response to it.  The first response.  The only response, and the GREAT response that brings power back into a fallen down muddy mess of a situation.

Today I got my chance to demonstrate that.
I failed, then I praised, then I cried, then I failed, then I got distracted, then I stared off, then I praised, then I failed, and on and on.

I posted on Facebook, which I hate doing, asking for prayer.  As simple as that, "I could really use some prayer" and the response I got was overwhelming.  Something happened every time my computer would ding with a message saying, "we are praying..we got you over here...I'm on it...praying right now."  With every single one, my faith got a little more intact.

Before long I picked myself right up.  I figure its OK if I fall down.  Its nothing I cant get up from especially when I have a bunch of "pick me up" prayer warriors saying my name to the Lord!!

So I scrapped off some of the mud from my jeans, slipped on my kickers, and decided what the heck...lets get moving!  I picked up my plans and started moving forward again, this time I left my play list behind and decided I'm just gonna play it by ear.  The road I'm traveling doesn't have alot of people on it to cheer me on but just because they are not right beside me doesn't mean they wont be waiting at the finish line to bust a move when I finish!

Off we go...
A little scared, but trudging on.  One step at a time and practicing my praise on the way!

  

Fundraising RIGHT!

Our recent events have not only given us a sweet and precious little boy through adoption but have challenged us on how to be better parents and helped us focus on family in a way that we never have before.  Liam was born on 11/11/11 and proved to be the answer to prayer from the moment we met him.  At 3 weeks old we discovered many things that were diagnosed not "normal" and so we have been fighting against his diagnosis and prognosis ever since.  We have changed many things to create an environment for him that is the safest, cleanest, and healthiest for him and our "Ilana Myah Shortcake" :)

I stumbled across Norwex in January of this year and it has changed our lives dramatically.  I know it sounds like a sales pitch but it truly has and I only tell you about it for your benefit.  The products that they offer make it possible for you to stop cleaning with chemicals in your home.  Actually their mission statement is to "To improve the quality of life by drastically reducing the use of chemicals in personal care and cleaning!"
I have found what they offer to be very true!  Chemicals found in the average home are linked to many serious diseases such as allergies, birth defects, cancer and psychological abnormalities.  Many today believe that the extensive use of chemicals indoors contributes to the "modern" diseases such as asthma and autism.  Do you know our homes are 70% more toxic on the inside then out?  I just couldn't wrap my brain around this as I have a newborn infant laying in the middle of our home.

I decided that I was going to change my mindset.  I no longer use Bleach, Lysol, Windex, Pine Sol, Toilet cleaner, Bathroom cleaner, Pledge, soap, and body wash.  This means I no longer have to buy these things either.  I have tested Norwex for the last 4 weeks in my home to see if I truly am cleaning well.  My home is more free from bacteria, fungi, virus, molds, etc just by using water and no harsh chemicals...we are still in shocked mode!  I really want to share this with everyone, it makes total sense...its so life changing.  It saves us money, creates a healthy living space, its just a no brainer.  I cant see why anyone would say no especially after seeing it and watching the tests.

Ive decided to sell Norwex for our primary income. When Liam came home from the hospital with all his tubes and negative health reports we decided that I was going to stop all other activities I was involved in to focus on our family. Little did we know that my husbands job was ceasing slowly as well. When we met up with Norwex it just made sense to be involved in something that was changing lives and benefiting everyone who used it. I figured if we were going to start a business then it should be something that helps people instead of hindering them.

So many times our family has had to raise money for things that we wanted to do. We raised money to travel to Mexico with a bus load of clothes & toys for the kids at Casa De Elizabeth. We raised money to send Tanner on the 16 Days Ministry Journey with Kingdom Building Ministries. We all raised money and served in Guatemala for a life changing experience. We also been a part of raising funding for other organizations and other missionaries that were vibrant and daring to serve outside of their familiar zone. We have also done fundraisers, sent out letters of support, sold our personal items, and auctioned off belongings or donated items.  There are so many avenues to raising the funding that you need.

Ive decided to offer fundraising opportunities through Norwex for events, schools, businesses, ministries, and the average family trying to fund the goals they have.  My fundraising plan is generous and beneficial, it will be life changing to everyone who is involved, and quite interesting. I hope to help you raise the money you need to do the things that have been laid on your heart. Making a difference in life will make the difference in other peoples lives as well!

RAISE MONEY WITH A NORWEX FUNDRAISER

Want to arrange a Fundraiser for your school, family, or organization? 

Please contact me today!

I like to make fundraising simple and very profitable for everyone involved. Below are examples of two Norwex Fundraising Packages that sell well and are very profitable. You can choose from any items in the catalog to customize your very own packages as well or use the entire catalog.

SAMPLE PACKAGE 1: Cleaning Pack – includes:

 1 Antibac Dusting Mitt

 1 Antibac Enviro Cloth

 1 Antibac Window Cloth

This package sells for $46.99/package (plus tax).

You make 25% - that's $11.75 per package sold!

With  50  Cleaning Packs sold, you earn - $ 587.50

With 100 Cleaning Packs sold, you earn -$1,775.00

With 500 Cleaning Packs sold you earn - $5,875.00

SAMPLE PACKAGE 2: Rainbow Pack – includes:

                   1 Blue Antibac Enviro Cloth
                   1 Green Antibac Enviro Cloth
                   1 Red Antibac Enviro Cloth
                   1 Yellow Antibac Enviro Cloth
This package sells for $63.96/package (plus tax).

You make 25% - that's $15.99 per package sold!

With 50 Rainbow Packs sold, you earn -  $799.50
With 100 Rainbow Packs sold, you earn -$1,599.00
With 500 Rainbow Packs sold you earn - $7,995.00

How it works....

Once you have decided on the packages you want to offer, I will create a Norwex fundraising flier for you to distribute. Most fundraisers run for one to two weeks, but we can set whatever deadline you wish. At the end of your fundraiser I will collect all orders from you and process them. I will provide you with a written statement accounting for all orders, and a check for 25% of all sales. When the orders arrive (about a week after submission) I will either mail them to the head of the fundraiser or hand deliver them.  An additional 5% donation will be credited to your fundraising account from any home or catalog parties that are over $325 in sales and held within 90 days after the fundraiser.

HIGHEST SALES CONTEST....To encourage everyone to sell as much as possible, prizes will be awarded at the end of the fundraiser.

Highest Seller - receives the Enviro Cloth & Window Cloth Set 

2nd Highest Seller - receives the Dusting Mitt
3rd highest seller - receives the Kitchen cloth

Please pass this on to anyone that may be interested in raising money for their special cause!

The Call to STOP!

It was a huge surprise to realize how sick Liam really was.  Since he was born he had sounded congested but we were told many times that it was related to him being a C-Section baby and because he never experience the big squeeze during vaginal labor, he was full of mucus.  On average it would be gone in a week, but as time went on it only got worse. At 3 1/5 weeks we would be staying over a week in the ICU at Lutheran Hospital.

His diagnosis seem so bizarre and rare enough, even though the ICU may see cases like this often doesn't leave us much reassurance the outside world does.  Sick babies come to this unit, certainly they are used to seeing such things but to us it was just unbelievable.  Our baby boy was finally here and home with us and now he was covered in tubes and wires.  I knew then that what God had been telling me for years would now come into effect weather I listened or not.

My whole life I have wanted to be a mom, and a good one.  I wanted to teach my kids over the top about things that really matter, tell them the truth, and prepare them to be great at heart and in love with God.  I had lots of ideas and daydreams about how I would raise them and be involved in their lives.  I wanted to be a great mom and take my responsibility of raising my kids very seriously.  It was to be the calling on my life.

You tend to loose sight of the simple things, the foundational things God calls us to do sometimes.  We get wrapped up into every opportunity to serve somewhere else, probably more for self fulfillment then serventhood.  In the background sits my husband and children waiting to be cared for, kids in front of the TV...eating junk food and being taught by someone else.  My commitments to everyone else, the world, has stolen so much from me.  Unfortunately enough, it has stolen from those that I love the most as well.

My call to stop was not suttle, I have been told that for years.  Its been loud and firm...I just chose to not listen.  I figured if I was doing good work then why not be involved.  With Liam and what is revolving him at this time, God has commanded me to stop.  I have no choice.  With monitors and machines laying on every flat surface in our home and a continuous feeding pump that keeps me tight reigned close to Liam's side, I am forced to sit.  I sit and think and watch and react....I stare at him and respond to every cry and alarm.  I am his keeper.  As I have been put back in my position here I have watched the results that I have created from choosing other things over my family previously.

My family has missed me, my family has needed me.  Was it being a servant or being selfish that really kept me from my true responsibility?  I think it was a bit of both, I wanted to help but also wanted to be somebody...when truly the somebody I was created to be was right here at home all along.

10 Weeks to go

Spent some time with Elle yesterday; Its was good to see her and chat for awhile.  Her reassurance that this baby is ours is priceless.  She may never know what she is doing for us..how divine it is and what it took to get us here. 

I am grateful today for my infertility and should I dare to say...our miscarriages.

It takes a mouthful of deep breaths to say that aloud; a core response; a hard thought.  Its not easy to say.  I do mean it though. 

I look at FNF and the women who surround me; the women that I surround; and see it all working together for the good of ....the good of God :)

He is good, that's what I am remembering today.  If only I could keep this truth engulfing me so that I wouldn't forget and start looking inward again.  Its so effortless to slip back into falseness.  This time I'll try to keep truth around a bit longer...and remember it a bit faster when I'm feeling down.

10 weeks left to go...give or take.  10 weeks and we will see his face...the face of promises and dreams that have been moving stories in my heart for years upon years.  I await you little one.

Exciting News!

It is definitely time for a major update.  My break from blogging has consumed me as the summer keeps flying by.  Here is a summary of all that has taken place in the last 6 weeks.

FNF Fans...we are on a incredible incline of blessings!  Starting September 1st we will launch the rough draft of our new web site (www.faithnfertility.org) We are super pumped!  Not only will it be a great source of information and resources for families, but also a place to call home for couples struggling with infertility & pregnancy loss.  We will have a FNF blog, merchandise for purchase, and awareness for some really great charities!

We are in the process of getting our Nonprofit status and working on our first annual event in Ft Wayne.  On April 14th of next year we will be working side by side with Star 88.3 on a incredible event for families in the surrounding areas! How great is that!!  We are so thrilled they have decided to be our "hosting station" for the event and alongside other sponsors we will be able to bring resources and possibly a concert with Laura Story (fingers crossed and praying hard) to our community!

Sept 1st the Swiss City Monthly, a publication that comes out in Adams co. every month, is featuring Logan & I along with FNF as their cover story :)  We were contacted last month and did personal interviews with their staff about our journeys and vision.  Its been an blessed few months for sure!

With all of this going on it has taken away the slow pace of life as we await our new baby due Nov. 12th.  As the weeks keep slipping by, we get more and more excited to see his little face :)  "Elle" is doing fantastic!  She had some preterm labor a few weeks ago that gave us a scare but since then things have slowed down and went back to normal.  She is ready to be "baby free" as the summer is hot and she is uncomfortable.  Only 11 short weeks remain and then he will be all snuggled up at home.  Elle and I spent our birthdays together last week since they are so close together.  We got manicures/pedicures and went out for dinner...Chads treat :)  It was nice to spend time and just chat about life.  Its amazing what God has done in this whole thing for both of us!

I'm starting to get into "baby mode" cleaning the house, simplifying life, clearing out unwanted things and such.  We started gathering items for baby and its getting fun now.  The scary part seems to have left; there is not much fear that Elle will change her mind or something will happen from now to then.  It just seems right and feels good.  Chad was laying on the couch last night with his eyes closed...I thought he was asleep til I heard him say.."I cant wait til my baby boy is here."  "I know," I said.  Sigh*  I cant believe its almost time.

On the other side of opening our lives to a new baby, our oldest son Tanner has moved out on his own.  Another deep breath.  That's so hard on a momma's heart.  Everyday I miss him.

Well, that's my quick run-down of life here for us.  Please be prayerful for our family, Chad is currently fighting meningitis and mono, Tanner started his senior yr of school today, and Ilana is very patiently waiting for her baby brother.  I continue to work on FNF and hope that God will use all of us for something great!

**If you are not currently a part of Faith N Fertility please look us on on facebook.  We would love to have your friendship!

Spilling it all..

My heart is sensitive in 3 categories this week..because I have so much to share I am breaking it down in 3 sections..Here goes!

BABY LOSS:
This week has been tough with the announcement of the genders of all the babies to come that are around me.  The circle of friends that I have is saturated with women who are expecting, we all were just weeks apart.  It has been hard to hear the exciting news of upcoming deliveries.  Its not that I'm sad for them having something that I don't; its that my baby will not be celebrated..no one will google over her or admire the way her face is shaped. My sweet girl misses out on a life with family & friends..I miss out on seeing her grow & mold into a purposeful life. Because our children were so close in age, I will forever ache for the daughter we never held when I hear of all the new developments. The pain has turned from sad to anger to sad to angry again.  I am still morning my Thadeus and before I can heal from that we are morning another child with minimal answers as to why.

TESTING & NEW DISCOVERIES:
All my testing is back..I have a couple things I was not aware of.  I tested positive for MTHFR & PAI-1, these seem to be in somewhat of 20% of ttc couples. MTHFR is a B vitamin deficiency, its treated by additional folic acid and is linked to miscarriage. I was on preventive for this by taking Folguard daily but after researching, I found that the type of folate that we need is called L-Methylfolate.  It is a broken down version of the folate making MTHFR patients able to absorb it correctly.  Folguard does not contain this form so I am looking into taking a med called Metanx. This is something I will have to take for a lifetime.

PAI-1 is a clotting disorder, which I knew I was already borderline for something like this. The treatment is to take a baby aspirin daily for life and then start heparin while pregnant.  I also was taking this remedy after we had ivf done. I researched this also and found that with clotting disorders in pregnancy it is best to take a low molecular weight heparin such as Lovenex instead of heparin itself. These are definitely some small changes I will make when we return for our babies.  It isn't however enough changes for me to feel confident about running back to the Dr in the near future.  I have been aggravated and dissatisfied this week with the lack of answers.  God is working on me...as always

MY SECRET:
The news everyone has been waiting for.  The Creator of miracles is ALWAYS at work. Shortly after we found out we were pregnant we received some news that we have kept tucked away.  We were hesitate but hopeful that things would work out, as time moves on, our eyes are being opened to knowing that what I'm about to announce is real & God breathed. 

After careful consideration on details & speaking with my friend who is involved in this situation, I feel urged to share this with all of you...

We are adopting a baby in November!  The mom has been in my life for around 10 yrs..she is so sweet to encourage me to share my feelings on here in hopes that it helps me in the waiting period & with the stress of our babies loss.  This baby will be arriving around the time our daughter would of arrived.  The details to this story is what is so amazing to me, I have to reserve them at this time but as they unfold you will see how great Gods divine appointment is when things line up under His will.  To protect the baby's mommy we will call her "Elle".  As you write comments on here she reads them and I encourage you to bless her by expressing to her how lovely a person is to consider adoption as an option.  She is not on Faith N Fertility so please leave your comments on here instead of facebook.

Day by day the Lord is breaking down the guard I put on my heart for this baby.  I think its healthy to simply guard your heart but I had a wall forbidding me to feel anything in hopes I would not be hurt again.  Losing children, in whatever way they come to you, is such a torment on the mind & heart of a women.  I was terrified to grieve again while I'm already grieving two babies that I just lost so recently.  I spoke to a friend who encouraged me to pray for the baby; something I almost refused to do.  I spoke vague prayers but nothing beyond a "bless Elle & bless baby" I knew that if I did pray with my heart; I would fall in love and there would be no turning back.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch & was pondering on the baby in Elle's belly.  I started thinking about the baby I was carrying and how much I prayed for every little detail...I prayed for her whole life. It rushed to me so quickly all the finite things that needed to be said over Elle's little baby.  I started wondering who was praying besides Elle??  Who was asking the Father about the babies life in detail?? I started getting anxious about all the spiritual work that needed done.  I went into fervent prayer for Elle, her body, her life, her decisions, her safety, her family, her home...and then on to praying for the baby in a way a Mommy prays for her child.  I knew then in my heart that this was real & that my baby is on the way.

I talk to Elle mostly everyday by text or phone, I seen her a few days ago and squeezed her so hard.  Its good to see her face and see how good she is doing.  Please pray for this sweet girl and for the sacrifice she is making.  Please pray for her to be blessed beyond measure and for God to pursue her in a way that draws her closer to Him always. 

In a few weeks we too will find out the gender of our baby....how ironic is that!

I cant wait to share more as time progresses! We have not shared with Ilana yet..but how exciting it will be when she sees how adoption blesses a family..and how badly we want this new baby and how badly we wanted her!

Sigh.

The days have passed by without fail and they've been nothing short of weird for me.  I have maybe only cried once since the baby died.  I have had no real emotion for almost 2 weeks until last night.  I met up with some friends for a girls night...hanging out, eating pizza, and playing some cheesy games.  A few hrs into the night I felt anxiety creeping in, nearly within 30 min I was on the brink of a mental trap.  I texted Chad to come get me, not giving him any indication of anything other then I was tired.  He took his time getting there unaware of my current breakdown status.  I kept my composure, almost gave it all away when I met up with a friend in the kitchen letting her know I was going to head home early, I gave her some idea that I was "uncomfortable."  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way home that I realized that I was in a full blown panic attack.  I have not had one for nearly 4 years...I had forgotten how traumatic they can be.  I wailed all the way home, it started seconds after saying a smiling goodbye to my friends.  What in the world??  It came on so fast!  I felt so out of control..praying for God to sustain my thoughts and take over my reactions.  I was scrambling for my eternity focus..that happy place I have been these last days.

Thank Jesus for time..for the passing of time..and for every new day.  Today is new and different then last night, its more focused & not so heavy.

My mind before our girls night has been so empowered by God.  He has taken away my sadness and helped me claim victory where there seems to be none.  I have been so focused on the heavenly outcome and eternity status of the situation that I couldn't bear to even think about what had just happened.  I would have twinges of guilt that I wasn't "broken" over this child compared to the others but then I would realize that its not based on the level of love that I felt for this baby, but the place of maturity God graced me with for this time.  I never in a million years would think I could feel this way, be so full of joy, after such a loss in our family.  Joy has never came easy for me, and now it was just like a shirt I put on in the morning...it fit so perfectly and I just kept it on.  It was my favorite garment.  I liked myself more when I had this joy.  Its as though God let me taste what its like to be in that all the time.  When last night snuck up on me..it stole my joy instantly and I had to fight to get it back...I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

That makes it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual hard hitter but actually in reality...I did let it go easy.  I took 2 pain pills from my D&E and went to bed crying.  It was God's mercy & deep grace that allowed me to get up this morning feeling good.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I think that may be why I unconsciously had that episode.  I feel in my heart that it may be hard to hear what he has to say.  Our tests results should be in telling us if our baby was a boy or a girl.  Either answer on that testing is going to be painful and probably make this more real then its felt so far.  Our chromosome testing should be in, letting us know if our little one was genetically healthy.  Then we have to talk about our next steps...its always a beautiful conversation. No matter where you are and what Dr you are with it probably will consist of something that costs tons of money and guarantees no answers or promise.  I'm ready to talk to the Dr about my bleeding & cramping, Ive called once and was told it was normal but my gut tells me it may not be.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks and I have severe cramping at times and the bleeding is heavy all the time.  It has not tapered and causes me to worry about things like anemia.

I have been praying to God for wisdom, for my body to be healthy, and for Him to plain out just heal me.  He will do what He sees best as always.  I trust Him and love Him so much, I am hoping for clarity and direction for tomorrow.  If you feel led, please pray for me.

Big Hugs!