Guest Blogger; Tammy Gerber + Link Up #5

Today my guest blogger is Tammy Gerber.  She is a great friend & writer who has inspired me for many years in my walk with Jesus.  Join her today as she tells about an event that happened in her life that she will never forget.

Tammy can be contacted through her blog at www.oneraindancer.com 

You can also visit her facebook page at facebook.com/oneraindancer

Waiting For Morning…

October, 2003 - This can't be happening. Am I really riding in the front seat of this ambulance right now? Is my husband really in the back on the stretcher? Did I hear them say they couldn't find his blood pressure? Jesus, it's too much! Where are you? Please don't let him die! I can't handle anymore loss right now. I will not survive it.

My mind flashed quickly back over the previous five months, remembering all the awful details...finally getting pregnant after eight years of trying - the miscarriage at work in the bathroom on Mother's Day - finding out I was pregnant again three months later - losing both twins, one at nine and one at ten weeks - watching my baby drop into the toilet in my bathroom, laying on the bathroom floor and weeping for my children I would never know on this earth - the blank screen during my ultrasound....

That was only two weeks ago, Lord! Now this? My husband is having some bizarre anaphylactic reaction and I'm going to have to watch him die...I can't do this. I cannot do it. My brain was not registering it. My heart was already broken. Panic hit with full force; I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Jesus, HELP ME!

Have you ever had those moments? I call them "Bathroom Floor Moments." I find myself in my bathroom on the floor when devastating grief and pain overcomes me. I don't know why I go there. It feels private, I guess. I feel free to really let my emotions go in the bathroom with the door locked, where only God can hear me. Because of an Epi Pen, my husband survived. But my three babies did not. It all happened in a few short months. When we left the ER that day and my husband was asleep in bed, I laid down on my bathroom floor and sobbed. The tile felt like my heart - cold, hard, dead. The loneliness I felt was oppressive and dark. The loss felt like something I would not bear: the anxiety of the events planted fear deep in my soul.

There are times when the truth we know in our minds from Scripture and from the wisdom of others just cannot seem to penetrate the darkness and despair that surrounds our hearts. I knew Psalm 30:5 says, "Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Sometimes waiting for morning is just too painful. In those awful moments, it feels like morning may never come…

I longed for God to comfort me. If this was His will, then why wasn't He comforting me through it? I did not feel His Presence. The pain and loss felt compounded because I couldn't feel God's comfort in it. I felt alone and abandoned. I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings and I had no energy to do anything. Prayer and reading my Bible felt hollow and empty (if I did it at all), and God felt far away and uncaring. I knew God's Word was true, but I couldn't see it, couldn't feel it over the pain and hurt of so much loss, and over the death of a dream.

And the questions...so many questions about God's purposes and plans for my life ran through my mind constantly. Why the miscarriages, Lord? After so much heartache and disappointment because of infertility, why would you allow us to lose all three babies? I had thousands of questions. Questions that a good Christian who trusts in a Sovereign God should not have, right...?

We serve a God who is not surprised or taken off guard by anything that happens to us. Does anyone else find that truth to be both comforting and disturbing? God is sovereign…my human brain cannot process this fully. This is where faith must come into the picture…

God used a book I read recently to shed some light on suffering and loss for me. It's called, "Suffering and the Sovereignty of God" by John Piper and Justin Taylor. It is an amazing book: while it is definitely not light reading, it is totally worth digging in to.

The pain that Jesus experienced going to the cross helps me see how deeply He understands and relates to our suffering. In Gethsemane, His sorrow was so deep it was like death (Mathew 26:38). His sweat became like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:44). Jesus cried out to the One who could save Him from death. God heard His cries, but Jesus still died. "God heard His prayers, but rather than save him from pain and death, he chose for Jesus to walk on the road of suffering so that he might receive the greater joy of resurrection." (1)  

I began studying the suffering and death of Jesus. It may sound simple, but it was profound for me to finally get it. Jesus can sympathize with us in our pain. He knows what it feels like to have a broken and crushed heart. He isn’t asking us to go through something he has never experienced. We serve a King who has suffered unimaginable things.

Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help. – Hebrews 4:15-16 (The Message).

I need to take the mercy, let the grace wash over me. Accept His help and His healing.

Jesus is a King who knows what it feels like to get a “no” from God. He begged for a different way, but God’s answer was no. And so Jesus stepped into the plan, knowing the pain that was coming, trusting His Father. He suffered more than any person in history. Sometimes, God’s answer to us is a very painful “no.” Sometimes, there is an even greater plan that needs carried out, even if we don’t fully understand it. Sometimes, Jesus is asking us to hang on and simply trust Him through the pain (easily said, SO hard to do). We must remember it is not about us. It’s never been about us. It’s always been about Him.

He is there with us every moment, even if we don’t feel Him because of the intensity of the pain. And I don’t know about you, but when I’m hurt, I withdraw and put a wall up around my heart, telling myself I can’t survive getting hurt again. I’m so thankful for God’s endless grace and mercy toward us in times of grief. He never gives up on us, even when we push Him away in anger and hurt. His unexplainable love for us can give us hope and comfort.

Jesus is our hope in a world that often feels hopeless and overwhelming.

God is Holy and loving and powerful. He is merciful and compassionate. He is only good. It’s so hard for us to believe that God is good all of the time when our hearts are broken.

Sometimes I cling to God simply because there is no one else to hold on to. And I believe that is okay. God wants us to know there isn't anyone else like Him to hold on to when we’re in pain. God isn't uncomfortable with our questions, doubts, or even our anger. He is a big God. He can handle it. He still loves us after we ask our questions and share our doubts with Him.

And just a practical tip here: give it time. It takes a lot of time. Keep taking your hurt and questions to God. Ask Him to show you what you need to know to heal, and trust Him with the rest. Look at your wounds instead of burying them. Cry about them. Bring them into the light and let God be God. He wants you to be whole. Be patient with yourself. God gives unending grace. Remember to extend grace to yourself too. Healing is not a fast process. Please don't run from it like I did. This is something I learned the hard way from experience. Trust Him. If you choose to trust, this is where God teaches and restores and heals. This is where miracles happen. He "binds up" the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1). He is the Great Physician and He specializes in heart-healing.

I also believe a huge part of the healing process is that God uses your story to help and comfort others. We can love and comfort others by not pretending it isn't that bad or giving a "quick fix" answer. We love others by crying with them, by sitting with them in the silence (our silence is okay!), and by holding their hand. We can bring comfort most when we are changed by what we went through, by what someone else is going through, and when we let ourselves feel and see the depth of other’s pain.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

God uses our experiences to help others who are experiencing similar pain. As Beth Moore says, "Only God can turn our misery into ministry." It is redemption to take our pain and our healed wounds and use them to help someone else find healing through Jesus.

This song by Meredith Andrews called, "Not For A Moment," gives me such encouragement and hope. I hope it will for you too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GJrIKGqg9I

Jesus, You are our hope when there is no other hope. You not only want us to find victory and healing when we are hurting, but You want us to know You are with us in and during our pain. You are a Savior who has suffered as we suffer. I love Meredith's song that says, "You were singing in the dark, whispering your promise, even when I could not hear. I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show, not for a moment did you forsake me." You are our Savior and we love You, Lord. We praise You for the miracle of healing our wounded hearts. And when we are ready, when our morning finally comes, give us the courage to walk with other’s who are still waiting. Amen.

*** I found many helpful and healing Scriptures as I researched this difficult topic. I encourage you to look them up, write them down around your house, and say them out loud. Satan runs away from God's spoken Word.

God's Word heals and it changes hearts.

Here are some of my favorites:

Lamentations 3:22-25

Psalm 46:1-2, 10-11

Isaiah 53:4-5

Hebrews 13:5

Isaiah 43:1-2

Psalm 126:3,5-6

Psalm 27:13-14

Psalm 34:18

Source:

(1) - John Piper and Justin Taylor (2006). “Suffering and the Sovereignty of God”: Crossway Books, a division of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, IL, pg. 185.

An InLinkz Link-up

Overwhelmed

I cannot capitalize the word OVERWHELMED big enough or make it as bold & defined as it feels in my life right now.  It came instantly when my plans turned a different course today.

Just trucking along and then WHAM!  There it is, you spin around and end a bit dizzy.  You reach out to maintain some balance when you slip and fall and someone always sees you do it.  Someone always turns away from the scene with the impression that you are insignificant.  And for some reason you start to care what they think of you.

With your muddy knees and bruised appearance, you begin to doubt everything you were doing prior to your stupid incident.

The path you were on with cheerleaders & team-players, the determined path with play lists and details that made sense turns into something else.

It turns into lonely.

I thought I knew for sure.
I thought it was figured out.
I thought we had a way.

Tell me you can relate to this!!  Tell me that I'm not the only one who feels alone in times of loneliness.

Last night I was reading a book to the kids, teaching them the power behind praising God in the troubled times of life.  Allowing it to not only be a great response to the pains the world offers, but being the initial response to it.  The first response.  The only response, and the GREAT response that brings power back into a fallen down muddy mess of a situation.

Today I got my chance to demonstrate that.
I failed, then I praised, then I cried, then I failed, then I got distracted, then I stared off, then I praised, then I failed, and on and on.

I posted on Facebook, which I hate doing, asking for prayer.  As simple as that, "I could really use some prayer" and the response I got was overwhelming.  Something happened every time my computer would ding with a message saying, "we are praying..we got you over here...I'm on it...praying right now."  With every single one, my faith got a little more intact.

Before long I picked myself right up.  I figure its OK if I fall down.  Its nothing I cant get up from especially when I have a bunch of "pick me up" prayer warriors saying my name to the Lord!!

So I scrapped off some of the mud from my jeans, slipped on my kickers, and decided what the heck...lets get moving!  I picked up my plans and started moving forward again, this time I left my play list behind and decided I'm just gonna play it by ear.  The road I'm traveling doesn't have alot of people on it to cheer me on but just because they are not right beside me doesn't mean they wont be waiting at the finish line to bust a move when I finish!

Off we go...
A little scared, but trudging on.  One step at a time and practicing my praise on the way!

  

Rest

Recently we downsized our bed from a king to a queen. Everyone thought we were crazy to give up that much leg room; but I was ready for the change. Sleeping in a king bed gives you many luxuries; more room, extra pillows, & it's great for movie night as everyone piles into Mom & Dad's bed.  The problem with all of that is that our bedroom is tiny.

I could say we have a small bedroom, but it would not be completely accurate...it is tiny!
With a king bed taking up the entire room, it makes it no less then a hassle to maneuver around this huge piece of furniture. Over lots of consideration; we took it out & exchanged it for a nice regular sized bed. The extra 2 ft of space in our room makes my imagination go wild with what we could do with it.

Getting accustomed to our new arrangement has been quite a task. Not only does it limit our personal space, it doesn't provide extra space for kids, dogs, pillows. It seems my neck always has a kink & I sleep with one eye open due to discomfort. It has not been ideal by any means. It feels as though I never get any sleep. I wake before the rest of the family just to wander downstairs to sneak off to sleep in the chair. I'm like a nomad walking around looking for a place to lay my head that may provide some comfort. A one-eyed, kinked neck nomad with a mission for rest!

Have you ever felt like this; like you are exhausted..never given a chance for catch-up. One busy thing after another, task after task, chore after chore, call after call, text after text, and the list goes one. Our chalkboard brains are filled with marks, lists, reminders, and deadlines. Will it ever stop?? Will I ever get some rest? Could you sleep standing up or just shut your eyes anywhere and drift away easily? If so, I totally get it!

Once I get to a certain point of tiredness, my heart reminds my body that I'm most likely thinking of the wrong things. Oswald Chambers says in his book, My Utmost for His Highest..."You have no right to complain, "O Lord, I am so exhausted."  He saved and sanctified you to exhaust you.  Be exhausted for God, but remember that He is your supply. "All my springs are in you" (Psalm 87:7).
I read this again this morning and thought about how true it was.  How can I complain that I'm exhausted or tired if I'm working for Him? 

First we must examine our roles of service; and get rid of anything that does not fit into the campaign.  Meaning..I say "yes" to almost everything, but I should  only be doing certain things and doing them well, bringing glory to God.  The other things that I delve into are just robbing me of time and talent, and causing me to be more tired then I need to be.  Don't get me wrong, good things can exhaust you just as well.  You can be on track and in the specific will of God, doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing and doing it well...and be tired.

The solution to this is not forgetting who is the source of your service.  Replenish your supply, be tapped into your employer...don't forget to seek God first.  Look to your foundation for strength, endurance, and most definitely rest. Whenever I am running the "rat race" as it sometimes is called, I forget to look to God.  I'm looking to the grocery list, Dr appointments, and dirty house...I look to phone calls, Internet media, or the many other things that like to over-run my day.  But, if I capture a moment of reminder, and stop for a second...shut my eyes, and imagine myself with the Lord.  If I choose to take just a portion of a moment to be with Him, the whole day starts to shift.  Something seems to happen, the layout of everything ahead of me transforms.  It all settles into a grove and works itself out.

Tap into the source, He will instantly line your back up into good posture.  It will set you straight, and give you what you need to get through this day.  Tomorrow is busy, and has troubles of its own.  Today is now and soon to be overwhelming.  Stop what you are doing before it gets the best of you, and just usher yourself to focus on the One thing that really matters.  Rest will be sure to follow.

Big Somethings

How can some things be? I'm enthralled to think that we are possibly part of something bigger.. Some days you just get a new awareness of what life is really about.

I watched Ilana take baby Liam up the hill today to pick some fruit off the pear tree. How can this be? After 2 of the hardest years of all our lives, I watch as he walks beside her, laughing, and thrilled to have something to put in his basket. He is so excited to show me what he has treasured in his bundle. A boy that was said to never walk, talk, or be able to understand just held out his hand to me motioning for me to try his tasty treat.

The handiwork of a masterpiece sits right in front of me.

No matter how hard I wished or dreamt that Liam be functioning, it was never going to happen if I was the only power involved. No mind could make up or force healing to happen on its own. Only the power of God and his mercy to answer prayer could move such a mountain. When you are missing 1.6 million pieces of your chromosome and 27 genes..it take a Big God to do such a Big thing. When they told us Liam would be a simple person with a simple mind, we wondered what our future and his would look like. Every day though there has been a hope spoken to my heart, that makes my mind fill so full with faith. Its as though, a limited life for Liam is just not what the Lord intends for him. After time, I have learned to not only say but react as though I believe this to be absolutely true. Liam just wasn't created to be "simple."

Actually everything about him has been incredibly complex. From his eating and breathing all the way to his muscle tone, each bit has been complicated and above what the Dr's have experienced in the past. Many times he has been called a, "hard case." Then, above the prayers and tears, there is God who stands up from His throne, reaches to Liam and does something. He does Big Somethings. Like the time he healed his spine...2 X rays showed spinal deformities, a month later 3 X rays showed no deformities at all. God stood the time when Liam had a hole in his lung causing a fierce pneumonia that staked his life, then by morning it was gone. Not the pneumonia...the hole...completely gone! I remember the day we went to surgery for Liam's feeding tube, his diagnosis was Strider, Laryngomalacia, and an added Tracheomalasia, for 2 weeks we had proof of these diagnosis and was treating them. During surgery, while having a investigative look at his esophagus, there was the determination that he had none of the above. When Liam's cranial plates closed early the surgeon told us to prepare. They predicted that they would have toremove Liam's skull around the frame of his face, reconstruct it and replace it back on to his body!! We were terrified! A few weeks later we came into have a repeat evaluation and it was determined that it was no longer needed. His head had shaped into it properly leaving no reason for surgery after all.

These are just some stories that God has given us to be connected to Liam's life. I am so grateful to eat a pear with this little guy. The things he still struggles with will be repaired by God and end up as a part of this wonderful healing story. I'm just glad that through Liam God has increased our faith as a family and changed our prayer life.

After years of infertility and miscarriage, I have come to the determination that nothing is by accident, and if I could gather all those years of pain into a bowl, I would consume it a million time over to have the family that I have now. I'm so glad for Gods Big Somethings and having a moment of remembrance today of what He can do.

 

Living Healthy Article

After 9 miscarriages, almost 13 yrs of research & discovery, along with ample prayer, I would assume to have all the answers. I in fact know less now then I did when this all started.


After marrying my husband we quickly decided to start enlarge our family. Coming into the marriage I brought along with me Tanner, my son who was 7 yrs old. I had a healthy pregnancy other then some anemia near the end, and had a natural childbirth with no form of medication or intervention.


However as we started to do family planning we realized quickly that it may not be so easy for us to have another baby. Our first pregnancy ended shortly at 6 weeks, we were in shock that we were miscarrying. It was something that never crossed my mind that could happen. It ironically also brought us hope for another pregnancy. As our 3, 4, and 5th babies came and left so swiftly we started to feel uncertainty and fear for our families future.


Baby 6 left us just a few days before the 3 of us boarded an airplane headed for Guatemala. We served at an orphanage and done ministry to some remote villages in their beautiful land. Here we heard clearly in our hearts that we would be adopting a daughter soon. 6 months later we brought home our daughter, Ilana from the hospital at just 3 days old. We were so blessed.

Strangely enough, although we tried, we did not conceive for several more years. We pressed into some infertility treatments that seemed to be a great help to us. At this time we knew that I had been diagnosed with a leutal phase defect requiring me to take lots of progesterone after ovulation. I also was insulin resistant and had a few clotting disorders. I took all the necessary measures to make sure these things were addressed but still to no avail.


Our 7th baby was doing well, we felt so great about the pregnancy. I felt good and was in good spirits. When we went for our 8 wk ultrasound we quickly saw a rapidly beating heart and activity. We were so disheartened to hear that our little baby was growing in my left tube instead of my uterus. Blood was starting to pool into my belly cavity and we were rushed for emergency surgery. There is nothing like having to give written consent to a medical team for them to remove your sweet baby from your body. We lost our son and my left tube. It was a great time of mourning for my family.

Baby #8 was a girl and was due to be born on 11/11/11. Her special birthday reassured us that she was meant for this time in our lives. We pulled out everything we had studied and knew at this point to make sure I was taking and doing exactly what I was supposed to be. To no avail at 8 wks her heart stopped  beating. Before her loss I received a phone call from a lady we had known for many years asking us to adopt her baby who was also due around the same time. The idea of "twins" was so exciting for us and we said yes. After the passing of our daughter we were so eager for our new son to come home. Liam was unexpectedly born on 11/11/11! This was such a sweet kiss on the forehead from the Lord. We were so blessed to have him!


At 3 weeks old Liam became very sick. As we were in the hospital we found out that we were once again pregnant. This time it was so unexpected and we were in shock. #9 went home to be with the Lord at again only 8 wks. With Liam in my arms it was hard to focus on our loss.  Liam needed so much care that it helped my heart heal faster. Our son was diagnosed with many things including a hole in his heart & lung, Di George's Syndrome, a deformed spine, Esophageal Esophagitis, and Tracheogomalasia. It was a hard hit, but proved to be a rewarding one. One by one the diagnosis' started to heal or be healed. He had a stomach tube put in because of aspiration and acid reflux and we started to learn how to manage quickly. His sickness gave us such great growth in our faith and thankfulness.


When we came home from the hospital I started to think alot about everything I had encountered when trying to get pregnant. All the changes we had made from simple things like the water we drank, our diet, activity, our spiritual walk, and tons of research into supplements and natural remedies. As I watched Liam struggle to breathe and thrive I started to think about how helpless we all really were with taking care of him. What could I do to help him?


I was invited to a home presentation one night, after being in the house for months taking care of the new baby, my husband encouraged me to go and get out of the house. The mini-teaching was about the chemicals in our home and how they are so detrimental to our health. I learned about the toxicity of modern things that were in my cabinets and on my counter. Things that I used to make my clothes "cleaner" or smell good were actually harmful agents being infused into our skin as we wore our clothes around all day. I left there feeling educated and curious about this rabbit trail of information.




Our country alone has introduced 80,000 new chemicals into our living spaces in just the last 20 years! This was unacceptable for me...I was in disbelieve at how ignorant I had been on this issue.


As the Co-founder of the national group, Faith N Fertility (www.faithnfertility.org) I teach and speak about things we can do to prevent being one of the 7 million families in the US that struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss. The one category that I never touched was chemical exposure or environmental effects. This was something that I just didn't think pertained to me so I didn't have a passion for it. Now that I have personally tried most everything that I have ever read about, and had performed on me nearly every test available for recurrent pregnancy loss, I feel that environmental factors is an avenue that I need to look into stronger. I have a firm position on ridding things in our homes that cause ailments such as Autism, Cancer, ADHD, and allergies and I soon learned that these same things can increase chances of infertility, pregnancy loss, and infant disorders. The most surprising research I found was on simple things such as Windex and even green cleaners that you can purchase from local department stores. The idea that a label says "organic" or "all natural" but really isn't was alarming to me.


In the past months I have rid our home of every cleaner. I now use Norwex products and work proudly as a representative for the company, teaching people everywhere I go about how to clean better and safer.  Years ago I learned about the medicinal properties of micro silver, as I write this I have a gallon jug sitting on my counter. When my children are sick I administer silver as a first resort. Silver kills 650 different forms of virus, bacteria, fungi, and molds. Its a valuable product to treat any kind of sickness. Liam gets silver in his feeding tube regularly, it can be used in a nebulizer for breathing treatments, and even put into the eye by a dropper for pinkeye. The US is starting to understand the treasure that micro silver really is. It is now being used in hospitals, daycares, and even being infused into material for lab coats and hospital gowns.


Norwex took this understanding silver and also has infused it into microfiber cloths. The microfiber has incredibly small fibers (100-200 times smaller then a human hair) and can bring even the smallest of matter up into the cloth, including bacteria. Once in the cloth the matter is affected by the micro silver. This tested product has given me the ability to throw out everything I cleaned with previously and while now I use just water, I clean better, faster, cheaper, and healthier. I use this same idea and have thrown away all baby powder, baby shampoo, soaps, lotions, and ointments for diaper rash,etc. by using Norwex's body cloths, which also have the micro silver infused in them. With a step further they offer a mop system and toothbrush along with many other products that I have found very useful.


I have not yet discovered the final discoveries as to why my babies did not survive. I am convinced however that their deaths are not in vain and that if I can continue to use our pain to help others make choices that benefit their health and journey towards a larger family, then it gives our losses much worth.

Meeting you...

I first heard of you back in late February early April...the news that you existed didn't really seem to pertain to me.  I just knew that you were to be.  I never suspected us to be connected, to be family.


A few weeks after I knew you were created I was texting "Elle" back and forth on the phone and she told me of your new life..that you were here and growing inside her.  She was contemplating the idea that you may not have been created for her.  At the same time as we were texting back and forth we both replied to each other the remark that maybe, just maybe you were meant to be for me...  our texts came back to each other simultaneously. I received hers as she received mine...time stood still.  The possibility of us being brought together lingered in my mind.  Our responses seemed an act of divine timing..our thoughts were in line with each other, now we just needed to see what God had planned.


It was a joyous time in my life, but with reserve.  I was pregnant again, and the thought of you being my baby also seemed like an outstanding plan...a bountiful blessing!  Most women would be overwhelmed at the thought of two babies but I was enriched by the mere imagination of it. After losing 8 children to early pregnancy loss, I was ready to have my cup filling over.


Ilana would pray for her baby sibling in my belly...asking God to bless him/her.  She called the baby her "brown" baby...to match her :)  We never told her that the baby was not going to be brown, we just didn't know quite how yet.  Our due date was 11-12-11, as we were so close to November 11th we claimed that day as our due date instead.  We were expecting our baby girl on 11-11-11 and Elle was planned to deliver soon around that time also. How neat it would be to have such a miraculous story after so much heartache and have two sweet babies to love.


When our baby girl passed a few weeks later it was hard to think of you.  I was afraid that if I spent time dwelling on the idea of you; my heart would be broken in the end.  There was no guarantee that you could be mine.  I put up a wall and tried to protect myself from falling in love with you.  Months went by and you grew rapidly, Elle and I talked almost daily..every time we spoke she was more sure that you were created for a fulfillment of my prayers.


One day I received word from Elle that she was 100% sure..she knew God was saying "Yes" to me being your mommy!  My guard started to fade, I found myself day dreaming about you..loving you in my thoughts and prayers.  Elle told us early that you were going to be a "brown" baby.. The answer to Ilana's prayer as well...unbelievable.


Our 1st ultrasound showed us that you were a sweet baby boy and thriving well.  We started to prepare for you and try to not focus on our past loss.  Our future now contained you and how our lives would soon be intertwined.  We awaiting you every day and asked God many times to tell us something special about you.  Trying to name you was such hard work, as I looked everywhere for a name nothing seemed right.  I continued to ask God "what is this baby boys name, what will he be like?" More then anything I wanted the Lord to define you. 


One day I heard very specifically while praying that you will be a "strong willed defender of a group of Gods people."  Wow!  Did I hear right?  Time passed by and I kept asking the Lord, "Are you sure? Did I hear correctly?"  As I came across the name Liam, something sounded familiar to me.  I kept the name close to me and thought of it time to time.  On 2 separate occasions I had people ask me what I was going to name you.  I told them I didn't know, and they replied by saying, "what about the name Liam?"  Could this be the name God had planned for you?  I looked it up to see what it meant.  I was in shock when I saw the meaning, "strong willed defender!"  Later I came across the name Crewe..it also sounded original and unique.  The meaning was "a group of people."  I continued to pray about this identity for you.


Elle grew closer to her due date, as time moved along so did I.  Although you were to be born soon, I still ached over your sister who didn't make it into this life.  I knew that 11-11 was going to be a bittersweet time.  Each day inched along but faithfully kept going and so time moved forward in its usual quick-slow pattern.


On the 10th Elle called, I was embarrassingly sitting in my car..engine running for nearly 1/2 hr. I felt anxious about your arrival. I thought you would have been here by now. I was stilling there with no place to go in quiet silence.  She wanted company so I left my spot in the driveway and quickly headed to her house.  We passed the time with good conversation and hanging out.  Unlikely enough my husband ended up in the area also and stopped in to see us before heading home.  Little did we know the gathering together of us all was divine. Within the next hour we were heading to the hospital.


Labor was 4 min apart with hardly no dilation.  Elle was terrified of something going wrong, her intense fear of needles was at the forefront.  An ultrasound showed you to be a very big baby and by estimation they thought you were weighing 12 lbs 15 oz!  A C-section was the solution. With Elle's comfort level fading, she humbly asked for us to pray.  She asked the Lord to protect her while confessing her deep love for Him.  As she reconnected her life to her protector, the staff was preparing for your delivery.


The scrubs allowed me to enter the surgery area and as i sat close to Elle's face, we talked words of truth and bravery.  In the midst on conversation I heard a drowned out cry..a voice that has echoed in my prayers for years.  I heard your voice for the first time.  My heart shifted as I wanted to run to you.  My position as a comforter was standing though, I stayed close to Elle as she fought off fear.  I had a quick moment to peek at you, to cut your cord, and see your sweet face.


As I walked over to you my heart traveled faster then my feet.  My spirit leaped to you, my child.  My sweet boy..you were a sight beyond no other.  God took my imagination of you and created a reality that I could of never made up on my own.  You were far beyond any expectation, you were hand made and delivered for me.


Daddy waited back in the nursery for you and as they wheeled you by I heard the Dr say, "time of birth is 12:49 on 11-11-11"..God gave His gift to me while kissing me on both cheeks!  He reclaimed, revived, and restored me all in one session..I have no words as I still sit in awe of Him as the mighty gift giver!


I came to see you and Daddy after Elle was situated in her room recovering.  She had endured and found a strength in her she never had to use before, The Lord granted her what she requested and protected her thoroughly.  After seeing Daddy was at loss for words.  He spoke very little and seemed to be in shock..its the realization that we are so undeserving of such an act of love.  We were just so thankful to be awarded such mercy and grace from God.


"Liam Crewe" was decided on as your name the next day, Daddy couldn't deny how it had been laid on his heart and the meaning was perfect for you!  You were born at 10 lbs 10 oz,  23 inches long, on a reclaimed day. The event of your birth turned a memory of death into life for us.  You are a success story for millions of women who long to have a child, a testament to how one simple day can change your life forever.  You have created hope where there was none, by giving joy to a women who has lost 8 children, and by being a son to a weeping begging family.  You are a voice that speaks how God hears every prayer and how He can always design a better ending then we could ever think up on our own.  You, Liam, are a miracle!


We hope to celebrate with the world your birth and we pray that struggling families can see you as a reason to move forward in their own journeys....fighting hard for the things God has promised them.


Praise God for you!  Praise God for you!


Love,
Mommy

Everybodies got their babies!

This last two weeks have been a range of emotions including rejoicing with friends and a deep analysis of what time of year it is.

3 very good friends had their babies these last few weeks..leaving me with a awe of God for the miracles He allows and also a reverence that I still need Him very much. 

Friend #1 has had several miscarriages including a precious pregnancy loss of twin babies.  Our emotional connection has always been strong due to heartache and hope that God overrides all that is hard in this life.  She felt very strongly that she would never carry her own children and so her family sought out adoption avenues.  Through prayer and grace, she now has 3 beautiful children that are born from her heart!  Unlike God, (being sarcastic) He blessed her recently with a "shock" pregnancy that bore her a sweet daughter Kendall this month.

Friend #2 Although she hasn't struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss she has a sweet spirit about connecting with me on the issue.  She is careful and loving...gives it much attention to talk and listen about the things I have gone through.  9 days ago she delivered Mihani...a precious baby girl and little sister to lovely Kareese.  Their family is full of the most beautiful girls!

Friend #3 is coming home from the hospital today.  Our visit in the hospital revealed such love for her new bundle.  Gracie came due to the obedience of my friend to allow God to gift them.  She is tiny and fragile, new and exciting!  She is sooo pretty and my friends eyes sparkle as she gazes on the grace of God that is sleeping snug to her chest.

How can I not rejoice??  Most incredible events and soo close to home :)

3 new girls...3 new lives...

I would be lying if I said I didn't think of my daughter as well especially since she would have been due in a few weeks as well. People would visit us marveling what God had done for us, commenting on her beauty.  I wonder if she would've looked like me, or her father..maybe a perfect combination of the both of us.  I just wonder...  Its not painful today just a thought or daydream of what things could have looked like.

In the meantime I cant focus there too long.  Our new son will be born in just a few short weeks.  O how I cant wait to study every little wrinkle and movement he makes.  He has me more anxious about his arrival everyday.  I wait for him with such intensity that must compare to our babies waiting for our arrivals to heaven someday.

Someday!  That's the focus today!  Some Day! we will all be together again!  I read the book Heaven is for Real recently.  It touched my heart for I know that a great reunion is coming closer every day!

Here is our current ultrasound, "Elle" is so close to having him.  He is weighing approx 5.5 lbs and growing :)    ...love him, love him, love him!

Prayer requests:
*Adoption paperwork will be smooth and quick
*Logan to be surprised by God :)
*Healing for Mihani..she has been running a fever
*Faith N Fertility and the families they are helping
*For you...to know, believe, trust, and love God more today then you did yesterday!

Sigh.

The days have passed by without fail and they've been nothing short of weird for me.  I have maybe only cried once since the baby died.  I have had no real emotion for almost 2 weeks until last night.  I met up with some friends for a girls night...hanging out, eating pizza, and playing some cheesy games.  A few hrs into the night I felt anxiety creeping in, nearly within 30 min I was on the brink of a mental trap.  I texted Chad to come get me, not giving him any indication of anything other then I was tired.  He took his time getting there unaware of my current breakdown status.  I kept my composure, almost gave it all away when I met up with a friend in the kitchen letting her know I was going to head home early, I gave her some idea that I was "uncomfortable."  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way home that I realized that I was in a full blown panic attack.  I have not had one for nearly 4 years...I had forgotten how traumatic they can be.  I wailed all the way home, it started seconds after saying a smiling goodbye to my friends.  What in the world??  It came on so fast!  I felt so out of control..praying for God to sustain my thoughts and take over my reactions.  I was scrambling for my eternity focus..that happy place I have been these last days.

Thank Jesus for time..for the passing of time..and for every new day.  Today is new and different then last night, its more focused & not so heavy.

My mind before our girls night has been so empowered by God.  He has taken away my sadness and helped me claim victory where there seems to be none.  I have been so focused on the heavenly outcome and eternity status of the situation that I couldn't bear to even think about what had just happened.  I would have twinges of guilt that I wasn't "broken" over this child compared to the others but then I would realize that its not based on the level of love that I felt for this baby, but the place of maturity God graced me with for this time.  I never in a million years would think I could feel this way, be so full of joy, after such a loss in our family.  Joy has never came easy for me, and now it was just like a shirt I put on in the morning...it fit so perfectly and I just kept it on.  It was my favorite garment.  I liked myself more when I had this joy.  Its as though God let me taste what its like to be in that all the time.  When last night snuck up on me..it stole my joy instantly and I had to fight to get it back...I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

That makes it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual hard hitter but actually in reality...I did let it go easy.  I took 2 pain pills from my D&E and went to bed crying.  It was God's mercy & deep grace that allowed me to get up this morning feeling good.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I think that may be why I unconsciously had that episode.  I feel in my heart that it may be hard to hear what he has to say.  Our tests results should be in telling us if our baby was a boy or a girl.  Either answer on that testing is going to be painful and probably make this more real then its felt so far.  Our chromosome testing should be in, letting us know if our little one was genetically healthy.  Then we have to talk about our next steps...its always a beautiful conversation. No matter where you are and what Dr you are with it probably will consist of something that costs tons of money and guarantees no answers or promise.  I'm ready to talk to the Dr about my bleeding & cramping, Ive called once and was told it was normal but my gut tells me it may not be.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks and I have severe cramping at times and the bleeding is heavy all the time.  It has not tapered and causes me to worry about things like anemia.

I have been praying to God for wisdom, for my body to be healthy, and for Him to plain out just heal me.  He will do what He sees best as always.  I trust Him and love Him so much, I am hoping for clarity and direction for tomorrow.  If you feel led, please pray for me.

Big Hugs!