Any day now...

The countdown is officially at 23 days in waiting.  Baby boy still has no name but his room is ready.  Diapers are on the shelf, clothes in the drawers, and momma bear is waiting patiently with baby powder in the rocking chair.  Im beside myself that its soo close to coming into a reality. 

Switching our old nursery into the new nursery was time consuming and a bit hard.  I didnt do anything dramatic or spend lots of money.  In fact its super plain and simple.  It was the difficult task of taking out my old things...doctors reports, gifts given to us from our previous miscarriage, hospital bags reminding us of our overnight stays. Getting rid of the reminders that cause me to fear and worry...reminding me with a time that was so painful.  I left a few ultrasound pics on baby boys dresser of his past siblings...still very proud of my heaven babies :)

Its just the right balance now and feels like its his room.  I fiddle in there every day wondering what he going to look like and sound like...

Any day now the phone will ring and she will be in labor.  Any day now he will open his eyes for the first time and I will adore him.  My life will come to a halt when he arrives, just for some moments of reflection.  Im sure he will bring joy with him and also a rememberance of what we have lost.  Im sure he will have my heart...he already does. 

A new chapter is starting...oooh how Ive waited for this.  Thank you Lord for this time of relief and provision.  Ilana is waiting on the edge of her seat, with sparkling eyes she talks of her new life with her little brother :)  Last week she dressed up for the local trunk or treat..as a monarch butterfly.  She fluttered around, dancing the whole day long.  She put on her costume at daybreak and wore it to bed that night...she was a true princess in every aspet.  I soppose life will feel like that for a time...full of excitement and joy, a great dance of sweetness that starts in the morning and puts you to sleep at night.

Any day now...

Exciting News!

It is definitely time for a major update.  My break from blogging has consumed me as the summer keeps flying by.  Here is a summary of all that has taken place in the last 6 weeks.

FNF Fans...we are on a incredible incline of blessings!  Starting September 1st we will launch the rough draft of our new web site (www.faithnfertility.org) We are super pumped!  Not only will it be a great source of information and resources for families, but also a place to call home for couples struggling with infertility & pregnancy loss.  We will have a FNF blog, merchandise for purchase, and awareness for some really great charities!

We are in the process of getting our Nonprofit status and working on our first annual event in Ft Wayne.  On April 14th of next year we will be working side by side with Star 88.3 on a incredible event for families in the surrounding areas! How great is that!!  We are so thrilled they have decided to be our "hosting station" for the event and alongside other sponsors we will be able to bring resources and possibly a concert with Laura Story (fingers crossed and praying hard) to our community!

Sept 1st the Swiss City Monthly, a publication that comes out in Adams co. every month, is featuring Logan & I along with FNF as their cover story :)  We were contacted last month and did personal interviews with their staff about our journeys and vision.  Its been an blessed few months for sure!

With all of this going on it has taken away the slow pace of life as we await our new baby due Nov. 12th.  As the weeks keep slipping by, we get more and more excited to see his little face :)  "Elle" is doing fantastic!  She had some preterm labor a few weeks ago that gave us a scare but since then things have slowed down and went back to normal.  She is ready to be "baby free" as the summer is hot and she is uncomfortable.  Only 11 short weeks remain and then he will be all snuggled up at home.  Elle and I spent our birthdays together last week since they are so close together.  We got manicures/pedicures and went out for dinner...Chads treat :)  It was nice to spend time and just chat about life.  Its amazing what God has done in this whole thing for both of us!

I'm starting to get into "baby mode" cleaning the house, simplifying life, clearing out unwanted things and such.  We started gathering items for baby and its getting fun now.  The scary part seems to have left; there is not much fear that Elle will change her mind or something will happen from now to then.  It just seems right and feels good.  Chad was laying on the couch last night with his eyes closed...I thought he was asleep til I heard him say.."I cant wait til my baby boy is here."  "I know," I said.  Sigh*  I cant believe its almost time.

On the other side of opening our lives to a new baby, our oldest son Tanner has moved out on his own.  Another deep breath.  That's so hard on a momma's heart.  Everyday I miss him.

Well, that's my quick run-down of life here for us.  Please be prayerful for our family, Chad is currently fighting meningitis and mono, Tanner started his senior yr of school today, and Ilana is very patiently waiting for her baby brother.  I continue to work on FNF and hope that God will use all of us for something great!

**If you are not currently a part of Faith N Fertility please look us on on facebook.  We would love to have your friendship!

Sigh.

The days have passed by without fail and they've been nothing short of weird for me.  I have maybe only cried once since the baby died.  I have had no real emotion for almost 2 weeks until last night.  I met up with some friends for a girls night...hanging out, eating pizza, and playing some cheesy games.  A few hrs into the night I felt anxiety creeping in, nearly within 30 min I was on the brink of a mental trap.  I texted Chad to come get me, not giving him any indication of anything other then I was tired.  He took his time getting there unaware of my current breakdown status.  I kept my composure, almost gave it all away when I met up with a friend in the kitchen letting her know I was going to head home early, I gave her some idea that I was "uncomfortable."  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way home that I realized that I was in a full blown panic attack.  I have not had one for nearly 4 years...I had forgotten how traumatic they can be.  I wailed all the way home, it started seconds after saying a smiling goodbye to my friends.  What in the world??  It came on so fast!  I felt so out of control..praying for God to sustain my thoughts and take over my reactions.  I was scrambling for my eternity focus..that happy place I have been these last days.

Thank Jesus for time..for the passing of time..and for every new day.  Today is new and different then last night, its more focused & not so heavy.

My mind before our girls night has been so empowered by God.  He has taken away my sadness and helped me claim victory where there seems to be none.  I have been so focused on the heavenly outcome and eternity status of the situation that I couldn't bear to even think about what had just happened.  I would have twinges of guilt that I wasn't "broken" over this child compared to the others but then I would realize that its not based on the level of love that I felt for this baby, but the place of maturity God graced me with for this time.  I never in a million years would think I could feel this way, be so full of joy, after such a loss in our family.  Joy has never came easy for me, and now it was just like a shirt I put on in the morning...it fit so perfectly and I just kept it on.  It was my favorite garment.  I liked myself more when I had this joy.  Its as though God let me taste what its like to be in that all the time.  When last night snuck up on me..it stole my joy instantly and I had to fight to get it back...I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

That makes it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual hard hitter but actually in reality...I did let it go easy.  I took 2 pain pills from my D&E and went to bed crying.  It was God's mercy & deep grace that allowed me to get up this morning feeling good.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I think that may be why I unconsciously had that episode.  I feel in my heart that it may be hard to hear what he has to say.  Our tests results should be in telling us if our baby was a boy or a girl.  Either answer on that testing is going to be painful and probably make this more real then its felt so far.  Our chromosome testing should be in, letting us know if our little one was genetically healthy.  Then we have to talk about our next steps...its always a beautiful conversation. No matter where you are and what Dr you are with it probably will consist of something that costs tons of money and guarantees no answers or promise.  I'm ready to talk to the Dr about my bleeding & cramping, Ive called once and was told it was normal but my gut tells me it may not be.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks and I have severe cramping at times and the bleeding is heavy all the time.  It has not tapered and causes me to worry about things like anemia.

I have been praying to God for wisdom, for my body to be healthy, and for Him to plain out just heal me.  He will do what He sees best as always.  I trust Him and love Him so much, I am hoping for clarity and direction for tomorrow.  If you feel led, please pray for me.

Big Hugs!