Meeting you...

I first heard of you back in late February early April...the news that you existed didn't really seem to pertain to me.  I just knew that you were to be.  I never suspected us to be connected, to be family.


A few weeks after I knew you were created I was texting "Elle" back and forth on the phone and she told me of your new life..that you were here and growing inside her.  She was contemplating the idea that you may not have been created for her.  At the same time as we were texting back and forth we both replied to each other the remark that maybe, just maybe you were meant to be for me...  our texts came back to each other simultaneously. I received hers as she received mine...time stood still.  The possibility of us being brought together lingered in my mind.  Our responses seemed an act of divine timing..our thoughts were in line with each other, now we just needed to see what God had planned.


It was a joyous time in my life, but with reserve.  I was pregnant again, and the thought of you being my baby also seemed like an outstanding plan...a bountiful blessing!  Most women would be overwhelmed at the thought of two babies but I was enriched by the mere imagination of it. After losing 8 children to early pregnancy loss, I was ready to have my cup filling over.


Ilana would pray for her baby sibling in my belly...asking God to bless him/her.  She called the baby her "brown" baby...to match her :)  We never told her that the baby was not going to be brown, we just didn't know quite how yet.  Our due date was 11-12-11, as we were so close to November 11th we claimed that day as our due date instead.  We were expecting our baby girl on 11-11-11 and Elle was planned to deliver soon around that time also. How neat it would be to have such a miraculous story after so much heartache and have two sweet babies to love.


When our baby girl passed a few weeks later it was hard to think of you.  I was afraid that if I spent time dwelling on the idea of you; my heart would be broken in the end.  There was no guarantee that you could be mine.  I put up a wall and tried to protect myself from falling in love with you.  Months went by and you grew rapidly, Elle and I talked almost daily..every time we spoke she was more sure that you were created for a fulfillment of my prayers.


One day I received word from Elle that she was 100% sure..she knew God was saying "Yes" to me being your mommy!  My guard started to fade, I found myself day dreaming about you..loving you in my thoughts and prayers.  Elle told us early that you were going to be a "brown" baby.. The answer to Ilana's prayer as well...unbelievable.


Our 1st ultrasound showed us that you were a sweet baby boy and thriving well.  We started to prepare for you and try to not focus on our past loss.  Our future now contained you and how our lives would soon be intertwined.  We awaiting you every day and asked God many times to tell us something special about you.  Trying to name you was such hard work, as I looked everywhere for a name nothing seemed right.  I continued to ask God "what is this baby boys name, what will he be like?" More then anything I wanted the Lord to define you. 


One day I heard very specifically while praying that you will be a "strong willed defender of a group of Gods people."  Wow!  Did I hear right?  Time passed by and I kept asking the Lord, "Are you sure? Did I hear correctly?"  As I came across the name Liam, something sounded familiar to me.  I kept the name close to me and thought of it time to time.  On 2 separate occasions I had people ask me what I was going to name you.  I told them I didn't know, and they replied by saying, "what about the name Liam?"  Could this be the name God had planned for you?  I looked it up to see what it meant.  I was in shock when I saw the meaning, "strong willed defender!"  Later I came across the name Crewe..it also sounded original and unique.  The meaning was "a group of people."  I continued to pray about this identity for you.


Elle grew closer to her due date, as time moved along so did I.  Although you were to be born soon, I still ached over your sister who didn't make it into this life.  I knew that 11-11 was going to be a bittersweet time.  Each day inched along but faithfully kept going and so time moved forward in its usual quick-slow pattern.


On the 10th Elle called, I was embarrassingly sitting in my car..engine running for nearly 1/2 hr. I felt anxious about your arrival. I thought you would have been here by now. I was stilling there with no place to go in quiet silence.  She wanted company so I left my spot in the driveway and quickly headed to her house.  We passed the time with good conversation and hanging out.  Unlikely enough my husband ended up in the area also and stopped in to see us before heading home.  Little did we know the gathering together of us all was divine. Within the next hour we were heading to the hospital.


Labor was 4 min apart with hardly no dilation.  Elle was terrified of something going wrong, her intense fear of needles was at the forefront.  An ultrasound showed you to be a very big baby and by estimation they thought you were weighing 12 lbs 15 oz!  A C-section was the solution. With Elle's comfort level fading, she humbly asked for us to pray.  She asked the Lord to protect her while confessing her deep love for Him.  As she reconnected her life to her protector, the staff was preparing for your delivery.


The scrubs allowed me to enter the surgery area and as i sat close to Elle's face, we talked words of truth and bravery.  In the midst on conversation I heard a drowned out cry..a voice that has echoed in my prayers for years.  I heard your voice for the first time.  My heart shifted as I wanted to run to you.  My position as a comforter was standing though, I stayed close to Elle as she fought off fear.  I had a quick moment to peek at you, to cut your cord, and see your sweet face.


As I walked over to you my heart traveled faster then my feet.  My spirit leaped to you, my child.  My sweet boy..you were a sight beyond no other.  God took my imagination of you and created a reality that I could of never made up on my own.  You were far beyond any expectation, you were hand made and delivered for me.


Daddy waited back in the nursery for you and as they wheeled you by I heard the Dr say, "time of birth is 12:49 on 11-11-11"..God gave His gift to me while kissing me on both cheeks!  He reclaimed, revived, and restored me all in one session..I have no words as I still sit in awe of Him as the mighty gift giver!


I came to see you and Daddy after Elle was situated in her room recovering.  She had endured and found a strength in her she never had to use before, The Lord granted her what she requested and protected her thoroughly.  After seeing Daddy was at loss for words.  He spoke very little and seemed to be in shock..its the realization that we are so undeserving of such an act of love.  We were just so thankful to be awarded such mercy and grace from God.


"Liam Crewe" was decided on as your name the next day, Daddy couldn't deny how it had been laid on his heart and the meaning was perfect for you!  You were born at 10 lbs 10 oz,  23 inches long, on a reclaimed day. The event of your birth turned a memory of death into life for us.  You are a success story for millions of women who long to have a child, a testament to how one simple day can change your life forever.  You have created hope where there was none, by giving joy to a women who has lost 8 children, and by being a son to a weeping begging family.  You are a voice that speaks how God hears every prayer and how He can always design a better ending then we could ever think up on our own.  You, Liam, are a miracle!


We hope to celebrate with the world your birth and we pray that struggling families can see you as a reason to move forward in their own journeys....fighting hard for the things God has promised them.


Praise God for you!  Praise God for you!


Love,
Mommy

Ilana's prayer

One major part of our newest blessing has yet to be shared on here.  As I cant contain my favorite part of this story in any longer...today I will fill ya in :)

Back in Feb. of this year I was pregnant via IVF and very excited at the possibility that this pregnancy was going to be different, this baby was going to live.  We prayed every day throughout the day for life and health, and  for everything to be just right.  Every night sweet Ilana would put her hand on mommy's tummy and pray, "Dear Lord, Please bless my brown brother or sister."  Chad and I would just look at each other with blank stares wondering how we were going to explain to her that this baby was not going to be brown like her.

In early April our baby died and telling Ilana was enough to make me madder then ever.  To feel hurt myself is one thing, but to imply it upon your child is so much harder.  Telling her was the saddest little moment, how she looked at us like we were lying and asking us over and over if it was true.  For days she would continue to pray over my belly the same prayer she had said before..."Dear Lord, Please bless my brown brother or sister!"  We would just look at each other again with sadness and heartbreak for her.  How would we get her to understand that it was just not possible?

Soon after when we were approached with the adoption of our soon to be baby, we began praying again.  Asking for health and safety.  "Elle", our birth mother, explained to me one day on the phone, after telling her Ilanas prayer, that she felt this whole thing was from God for a number of reasons. One very obvious one was that her baby was going to be BROWN.  We were ecstatic to say the least!  God answered the prayer of a little girl who wanted so badly for her sibling to be brown like her.  We were so pleased to be reminded that God loves us and cares about every detail. He loves for his daughters to ask Him of things and He really likes to show His mercy to us when we believe there is no possible way. 

We have 6 days till Ilana's brown brother arrives...
What a long road it has been and for him it was all worth it!

Love and prayers to you...Asking God on your behalf every single day!

Small Moment...Big lesson

A few days ago I was frazzled at the seams and frigid to say the least.  Keeping up with work and my list of things at home were taking up every thought in my brain, besides that I forced in our first grade homework..as I'm hoping I'm not the only homeschooling mom that has rushed days. I was tense and aggravated at every episode that came my way.  The farm was being "too needy" with new puppies and chores, the phone was beckoning me at every moment, and the stressful wait of our adopted sons arrival was hanging in the air.  His anticipated arrival has by far had me responding radically to every situation.  Every appointment/plan hinges on his grand entrance.  I am sitting on the edge of my seat in waiting mode.

All while my home circus was in full bloom & my mental state was racing rapidly, Ilana danced and swirled around the house as if it was her play yard...she sang, and twirled, laughed, and played.  She turned on music and swooped around the house on her roller skates in and out of each room with a huge smile on her face.  I was too busy to notice at first.  She put 100% in trying to turn in a fast circle while skating around and weaving in and out of her favorite puppy as he tried tirelessly to keep up with her.  She ran up the stairs and slid back down them, raced back up again and played hard.  She had a animated play with her dollies and stopped for a breather to watch Strawberry Shortcake...then she was off again.  I hushed her during phone calls and silenced her when she asked questions as I was on the computer or in the middle of something that seemed important.

During lunch time I placed her at the table with her microwaved meal and huge glass of her favorite, strawberry milk.  She was big eyed and full of joy as I laid it upon the table.  Just as I was turning away to grab something else, my hand caught the edge of her glass and in slow motion we watched as the cup tipped towards her.  It crashed without remorse and with a huge intake of air Ilana and I both gasped aloud.  I stopped and just looked at her, sitting so pretty in her favorite red dress and matching shoes.  She looked like a princess with a shocked expression on her dear face.  I didn't know what to say, I expected her to be angry and before I could tell her I was sorry she let out to my surprise the biggest laugh.  She belly laughed with all her might..its crazy how addictive a laugh can be.  In the midst of milk and pink strawberry flavoring we hugged and laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes.

We cleaned it up together and I shut down the world for the rest of the day to hang out with her.

That night as I tucked her into bed Ilana says, "remember when you were mad today when things were going bad but when my milk spilled we laughed?"  In adult terms I took that as..."remember when you were grouchy when you didn't get your way but when I didn't get mine I still found something to be happy about"  It was a big reminder for me...She is a big reminder to me!  Things dont have to be tense, I dont have to let my day make me miserable, and rushing around gets me no where fast!

Hoping that I can remember this little lesson as the days get closer to baby time, and work gets more involved with Faith N Fertility.  Praying for peace...and wisdom.

Any day now...

The countdown is officially at 23 days in waiting.  Baby boy still has no name but his room is ready.  Diapers are on the shelf, clothes in the drawers, and momma bear is waiting patiently with baby powder in the rocking chair.  Im beside myself that its soo close to coming into a reality. 

Switching our old nursery into the new nursery was time consuming and a bit hard.  I didnt do anything dramatic or spend lots of money.  In fact its super plain and simple.  It was the difficult task of taking out my old things...doctors reports, gifts given to us from our previous miscarriage, hospital bags reminding us of our overnight stays. Getting rid of the reminders that cause me to fear and worry...reminding me with a time that was so painful.  I left a few ultrasound pics on baby boys dresser of his past siblings...still very proud of my heaven babies :)

Its just the right balance now and feels like its his room.  I fiddle in there every day wondering what he going to look like and sound like...

Any day now the phone will ring and she will be in labor.  Any day now he will open his eyes for the first time and I will adore him.  My life will come to a halt when he arrives, just for some moments of reflection.  Im sure he will bring joy with him and also a rememberance of what we have lost.  Im sure he will have my heart...he already does. 

A new chapter is starting...oooh how Ive waited for this.  Thank you Lord for this time of relief and provision.  Ilana is waiting on the edge of her seat, with sparkling eyes she talks of her new life with her little brother :)  Last week she dressed up for the local trunk or treat..as a monarch butterfly.  She fluttered around, dancing the whole day long.  She put on her costume at daybreak and wore it to bed that night...she was a true princess in every aspet.  I soppose life will feel like that for a time...full of excitement and joy, a great dance of sweetness that starts in the morning and puts you to sleep at night.

Any day now...

Everybodies got their babies!

This last two weeks have been a range of emotions including rejoicing with friends and a deep analysis of what time of year it is.

3 very good friends had their babies these last few weeks..leaving me with a awe of God for the miracles He allows and also a reverence that I still need Him very much. 

Friend #1 has had several miscarriages including a precious pregnancy loss of twin babies.  Our emotional connection has always been strong due to heartache and hope that God overrides all that is hard in this life.  She felt very strongly that she would never carry her own children and so her family sought out adoption avenues.  Through prayer and grace, she now has 3 beautiful children that are born from her heart!  Unlike God, (being sarcastic) He blessed her recently with a "shock" pregnancy that bore her a sweet daughter Kendall this month.

Friend #2 Although she hasn't struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss she has a sweet spirit about connecting with me on the issue.  She is careful and loving...gives it much attention to talk and listen about the things I have gone through.  9 days ago she delivered Mihani...a precious baby girl and little sister to lovely Kareese.  Their family is full of the most beautiful girls!

Friend #3 is coming home from the hospital today.  Our visit in the hospital revealed such love for her new bundle.  Gracie came due to the obedience of my friend to allow God to gift them.  She is tiny and fragile, new and exciting!  She is sooo pretty and my friends eyes sparkle as she gazes on the grace of God that is sleeping snug to her chest.

How can I not rejoice??  Most incredible events and soo close to home :)

3 new girls...3 new lives...

I would be lying if I said I didn't think of my daughter as well especially since she would have been due in a few weeks as well. People would visit us marveling what God had done for us, commenting on her beauty.  I wonder if she would've looked like me, or her father..maybe a perfect combination of the both of us.  I just wonder...  Its not painful today just a thought or daydream of what things could have looked like.

In the meantime I cant focus there too long.  Our new son will be born in just a few short weeks.  O how I cant wait to study every little wrinkle and movement he makes.  He has me more anxious about his arrival everyday.  I wait for him with such intensity that must compare to our babies waiting for our arrivals to heaven someday.

Someday!  That's the focus today!  Some Day! we will all be together again!  I read the book Heaven is for Real recently.  It touched my heart for I know that a great reunion is coming closer every day!

Here is our current ultrasound, "Elle" is so close to having him.  He is weighing approx 5.5 lbs and growing :)    ...love him, love him, love him!

Prayer requests:
*Adoption paperwork will be smooth and quick
*Logan to be surprised by God :)
*Healing for Mihani..she has been running a fever
*Faith N Fertility and the families they are helping
*For you...to know, believe, trust, and love God more today then you did yesterday!