Something needs to die

Have you ever been in a situation that created discomfort?

Did the people around you lead you to believe that you are unwelcome or don't fit in?

What about finding yourself in confrontation that was unexpected from someone unsuspecting?

Have you ever realized later that you were the root cause of much of your turmoil?

This is me.

Many times I have wondered where my insecurity has come from, and tried to "pin it on the donkey." I look around and see things that make me uncomfortable, people who have hurt me, situations that are awkward and want God to "fix" every aspect of it. During prayer, I often find that whatever faults I pin onto others, lays most relevant inside my own self.

It's never is easy when we have to face things head on. But this is where strength and endurance play a part, creating your perseverance and reliance upon God. If there were no struggles, why would we need help? It's these times when I see how truly ugly my heart can be; and how refined and detailed God can heal me if I allow Him.

Refinement is such a nasty process..its a solid way to getting rid of grime and the deep dirt embedded inside us. The purging of the crud, spoil, and crusty filth that has settled over long periods of time is a feat to tackle. It's getting on your knees with a butter knife and toothbrush and scrubbing inside all the cracks. But before you can throw it away you have to take a close look at what you just dug up. Examining intently the gunk you are getting rid of, in hopes that you will never find it dirty again.

There are many times that I have purged things out of my heart; insecurity, bitterness, anger, jealousy, idleness, etc... to come back later and find a remnant that still remains. As I recently came across this situation again, I became discouraged. I immediately wanted to blame an outside source for my troubles, but quickly I was reminded that my internal affairs are my own garbage. How do I always get myself into this mess? Is my heart not good?? Am I always going to have this cycle of "wash on, wash off?"

I was reminded of the answers:

My heart is not naturally good, I am a wreck without a Redeemer. I need to constantly be checking in with it and seeing what it is feeling, thinking, doing. I need to guard it and keep a close watch on it for it tends to sway away from the good things. Something inside it always needs to die, there is always a remnant that "wants what it wants." This continuous work is always going to be there, BUT IT'S GOOD WORK! Its God approaching us with an offer to pry something out of our hearts that is no good, something that is grimy and greasy. The process is always gross, it stinks and hurts, and it is completely worth it in the end.

As the Lord keeps cleaning me up and helping me along with my feelings & thoughts. I check-in periodically and ask some crucial questions.

1.) Who is God?
2.) What is He doing?
3.) Is He the most inportant thing in my life?

Once I spend time here, I am completely leaned into His cleaning up crew...bring on the butter knife and toothbrush! Without doubt I want Him to set me up again and remove anything not of Him, and replace it with all things of Him. These questions remind me that nothing matters more then knowing Him and submitting to Him over my whole life. All of the things that I struggled with suddenly seem so feeble and He is brought to the front of my life. All my insecurities and "your not good enoughts" are taken away. Everything is made new and I get to start from scratch.

It wont surprise me if I cycle around and find that I have a bit of envy stored away, or maybe some strife with an old friend. The remnants are tiny flakes of reminders that I will again call on the Lord and He will bring the broom & dustpan. We will hash it all out, erase the yuck, and scribble down the truth once again. He will bring the comfort and I'll spill my heart out to Him; and I trust this!! I trust that this is good, and this is right! And that He will set me back up and turn my face nose to nose with His. His sweet face will shine on me and be exactly what I needed and when I needed it.

Perfect Love for a wretched heart!