The last few days have been tough mentally. I'm struggling with wanting to resume daily life and having a hard time throwing myself into normalsy. Yesterday I went to church...for the first time since we started treatment in early Feb. I love my church and the people, the worship always brings me into the the presence of God and the teachings are challenging, but...so many times I have announced I am pregnant, just to go back in a few days or weeks and tell everyone that our baby has passed. Its like the boy who cried wolf.. after awhile they stop reacting. Out of fear for you they don't respond the same anymore. For instance I told someone I was pregnant and a look of dread came over them...like "o, no..that's horrible." Its as though I'm doomed for disaster. I understand the hesitation for excitement, I definitely am hesitate. I cant seem to allow myself to consume the idea at all. Privately I pray and hold my belly but always with reservation.
I know I serve a God who gives and takes away, and I'm ok with that. l love the Lord and I trust Him, I'm not angry at Him for the things I have suffered for I know I have eternity to spend with my children and also that God has my best interest at the forefront always. I am just reserved to give myself fully to this pregnancy maybe out of fear...I have been talking to God about this and we are definitely working through truth such as...Fear does not come from God, Suffering is vital as a christian, dying to myself and wanting Gods will over mine is crucial, This life is not my own, we have an enemy and he is entertained by my fear, and with God all things are possible. Lots of good teaching are being reexamined in my mind...Gods work is always good.
Tomorrow is my ultrasound, it cant come fast enough. I had a dream about it last night...lets hope that it comes true. I thought of taking the kids but know that maybe we should wait. I think I probably will look away and concentrate on Chads reaction. If its good, I'll look...if its bad, I'll peek with one eye til the Lord helps me face it head on. Yesterday before church I took another urine test..not sure why, just wanted to see the lines again and see if they were darker. They were so dark as if it was marked with a red marker..little things like that help me to relax. I hope and pray that tomorrow is blessed with great news. Cant wait to share!!
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Praying for you Amy, that this is the one. I feel sorry for myself, and I get angry at God..and then I think of how strong you are..to have suffered so many losses, and yet still be so positive, so Godly..you inspire me...and I am almost to the point now, that I want to tell God thank you. Because if my babies didn't stick because they weren't going to be strong enough to grow, I'm thankful he took them before they implanted, before I saw a heartbeat, etc. So thank you Amy, for being an inspiration to me.
ReplyDeletei love you AMY! i am sitting here bawling! im sure u have heard/read i am ONCE AGAIN pregnant! i just DONT understand. here i am, a woman that DOESNT need another child, able to have 8, yes EIGHT this will make, and here YOU ARE crying out to our Lord God and Savior just let me be a mom again, and for some reason arent able (well until now :). I STILL DONT GET IT! i wish u nothing but BLESSINGS!
ReplyDeleteHi Amy, I just started following you.........I wish u all the best at your ultrasound. I too just found out i am pregnant again (4w 5d). I m/c'd at 15 wks and 15 months later we're finally pregnant again! Your story is an inspiration to me. You are so right about the fear. I get so terrified at times thinking the past is going to repeat itself, but i don't wnt to give into that fear because this is not God's will.
ReplyDeleteGood luck today:)