My last big news was the infamous ultrasound that felt like a 10 sec walk in the park. If you haven't had a chance to see it, check out my last blog entry...you will know what I mean.
I was a bit worried after the appt, its funny how fear & doubt creep in so sneaky-like. I went on the 24th for another beta hcg test. My last one done was 2 days before resulting in a whopping number of 6069! This one however was only 8747...shouldn't have had it done!! It played a mean mental game with me for the remainder of the day. I couldn't race home fast enough to put it in the hcg calculator online to find out my doubling time. My time had increased to 91 hrs. I did some research and found out that after your hcg reaches 6000 the doubling time increases from 48 hrs to 96 hrs. This gave me some relief and eventually put it out of my mind.
I am convinced that everything is fine and that if we had spent just a few more moments looking on the ultrasound we would not have had this week and a half of hesitation. My Dr from Ft Wayne called after the blood draw and stated that even though I had ivf, my body is reacting as though I had a spontaneous conception...meaning I got pregnant on my own. He said that my dates just don't add up. I am still so sure that everything is on track and that we should of taken a closer look.
Next Friday is our u/s...every time we have had one its been not so good. I'm sort of dreading it but ready to face it and know the facts. Ready to see a beating heart...or maybe 2
Laying around today, relaxing and trying to stay focused on good positive thoughts. Been thinking of starting my bible study on marriage now that things are starting to click into place. I think it would be good for me and the other ladies involved, its a great study. I'm sure our husbands would really love it also :)
I'll keep everyone updated as soon as we know more...Big Hugs!!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Not as we expected...
What a day!!
Headed out strong and positive...peaceful. Our ultrasound was at 11, we planned a whole day in Ft Wayne afterwards with the agenda of a good movie, yummy food, and some shopping. Lesson learned...don't plan your life, its not yours to plan.
We didn't wait long before my name was called. The ultrasound was much anticipated and I kept my eyes on the screen totally forgetting I was not going to look originally. We quickly saw a gestational sac...but no baby and no yolk sac.
I'm 6 weeks today and hoping I implanted later then we thought. Dr said to have hcg drawn and if numbers were above 3000 we still had some hope. They came back at 6069 leaving us with a doubling time of 51 hrs (normal is 48-72hrs) The light at the end of the tunnel still continues to stay lit...we just slink our way towards it in hope that victory will be received!
Today I spoke aloud to the enemy and myself as a reminder, "The Lord loves me!" "The Lord loves me!" Over and over in the elevator I said it aloud. I remember how easy it is to forget or doubt that love when we don't get our way. I refuse to leave the Lord if this ends abruptly...I need Him way to much. The truth that helped me today was knowing He was with me. I asked Him several times aloud, "You here? You got my back?" I remember breathing in deep afterwards spontaneously almost as if He gave me a breath of fresh air and said, "I could never leave you."
I'm posting my video from today..its super short. I think we were in there a total of a minute. Look hard at the video I thought I saw a glimpse of a embryo when he scanned once but it was so quick my eyes couldn't adjust. On the video its hard to see b/c it wasn't zoomed in quite enough. I am curious if your eyes will see anything else though...I may be grasping at straws but I thought I saw something I wasent expecting. For those of you that have been through this, your eyes are better trained then most u/s techs...would love to see any comments of feedback and definitely comments of hope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2VtFMNwvU4
Love and bless you all!!
Headed out strong and positive...peaceful. Our ultrasound was at 11, we planned a whole day in Ft Wayne afterwards with the agenda of a good movie, yummy food, and some shopping. Lesson learned...don't plan your life, its not yours to plan.
We didn't wait long before my name was called. The ultrasound was much anticipated and I kept my eyes on the screen totally forgetting I was not going to look originally. We quickly saw a gestational sac...but no baby and no yolk sac.
I'm 6 weeks today and hoping I implanted later then we thought. Dr said to have hcg drawn and if numbers were above 3000 we still had some hope. They came back at 6069 leaving us with a doubling time of 51 hrs (normal is 48-72hrs) The light at the end of the tunnel still continues to stay lit...we just slink our way towards it in hope that victory will be received!
Today I spoke aloud to the enemy and myself as a reminder, "The Lord loves me!" "The Lord loves me!" Over and over in the elevator I said it aloud. I remember how easy it is to forget or doubt that love when we don't get our way. I refuse to leave the Lord if this ends abruptly...I need Him way to much. The truth that helped me today was knowing He was with me. I asked Him several times aloud, "You here? You got my back?" I remember breathing in deep afterwards spontaneously almost as if He gave me a breath of fresh air and said, "I could never leave you."
I'm posting my video from today..its super short. I think we were in there a total of a minute. Look hard at the video I thought I saw a glimpse of a embryo when he scanned once but it was so quick my eyes couldn't adjust. On the video its hard to see b/c it wasn't zoomed in quite enough. I am curious if your eyes will see anything else though...I may be grasping at straws but I thought I saw something I wasent expecting. For those of you that have been through this, your eyes are better trained then most u/s techs...would love to see any comments of feedback and definitely comments of hope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2VtFMNwvU4
Love and bless you all!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
A Day Away...5w6d
The last few days have been tough mentally. I'm struggling with wanting to resume daily life and having a hard time throwing myself into normalsy. Yesterday I went to church...for the first time since we started treatment in early Feb. I love my church and the people, the worship always brings me into the the presence of God and the teachings are challenging, but...so many times I have announced I am pregnant, just to go back in a few days or weeks and tell everyone that our baby has passed. Its like the boy who cried wolf.. after awhile they stop reacting. Out of fear for you they don't respond the same anymore. For instance I told someone I was pregnant and a look of dread came over them...like "o, no..that's horrible." Its as though I'm doomed for disaster. I understand the hesitation for excitement, I definitely am hesitate. I cant seem to allow myself to consume the idea at all. Privately I pray and hold my belly but always with reservation.
I know I serve a God who gives and takes away, and I'm ok with that. l love the Lord and I trust Him, I'm not angry at Him for the things I have suffered for I know I have eternity to spend with my children and also that God has my best interest at the forefront always. I am just reserved to give myself fully to this pregnancy maybe out of fear...I have been talking to God about this and we are definitely working through truth such as...Fear does not come from God, Suffering is vital as a christian, dying to myself and wanting Gods will over mine is crucial, This life is not my own, we have an enemy and he is entertained by my fear, and with God all things are possible. Lots of good teaching are being reexamined in my mind...Gods work is always good.
Tomorrow is my ultrasound, it cant come fast enough. I had a dream about it last night...lets hope that it comes true. I thought of taking the kids but know that maybe we should wait. I think I probably will look away and concentrate on Chads reaction. If its good, I'll look...if its bad, I'll peek with one eye til the Lord helps me face it head on. Yesterday before church I took another urine test..not sure why, just wanted to see the lines again and see if they were darker. They were so dark as if it was marked with a red marker..little things like that help me to relax. I hope and pray that tomorrow is blessed with great news. Cant wait to share!!
I know I serve a God who gives and takes away, and I'm ok with that. l love the Lord and I trust Him, I'm not angry at Him for the things I have suffered for I know I have eternity to spend with my children and also that God has my best interest at the forefront always. I am just reserved to give myself fully to this pregnancy maybe out of fear...I have been talking to God about this and we are definitely working through truth such as...Fear does not come from God, Suffering is vital as a christian, dying to myself and wanting Gods will over mine is crucial, This life is not my own, we have an enemy and he is entertained by my fear, and with God all things are possible. Lots of good teaching are being reexamined in my mind...Gods work is always good.
Tomorrow is my ultrasound, it cant come fast enough. I had a dream about it last night...lets hope that it comes true. I thought of taking the kids but know that maybe we should wait. I think I probably will look away and concentrate on Chads reaction. If its good, I'll look...if its bad, I'll peek with one eye til the Lord helps me face it head on. Yesterday before church I took another urine test..not sure why, just wanted to see the lines again and see if they were darker. They were so dark as if it was marked with a red marker..little things like that help me to relax. I hope and pray that tomorrow is blessed with great news. Cant wait to share!!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Steady does it...
Things are moving right along...at the pace of a snail it seems. I am desperately waiting for the 8 week mark to pass. I have avoided people, friends, and church as a form of protection against questions and my fake comments of security; when really I am still very scared. I'm just not ready to rejoice or celebrate. Tuesday's ultrasound cant come fast enough..I have ran over in my mind all the things that could go wrong, there could be no heartbeat, it could be a blighted ovum with no baby, maybe its ectopic, or with my luck maybe it implanted somewhere never heard of before, like my kidney. Regardless of my senseless day dreaming, I try hard to imagine seeing the baby doing its thing in the right place at the right time.
Other then my sore chest, being wore out, and increased appetite, I feel the same. My belly is extremely bloated from what...I don't know. Considering the baby is the size of a sesame seed I'm not sure why I look 5 months pregnant. That is another reason I have hid out, not sure I can hide it and don't want people to stare. I think its a combination of the heparin shots that have my belly very bruised and swollen along with me eating like a cow and laying around alot. For whatever reason..its there and its out there.
Today we are going to venture out to Lot 49 and help with a clean up day...I'll probably hang out with some girlfriends around the hot dog table and make sure everyone gets fed...especially me, sounds horrible doesn't it? Anyway, it'll be good to try to feel like one of the crowd today, maybe I'll be a blessing to someone or be blessed...either way, I pray today is good.
Other then my sore chest, being wore out, and increased appetite, I feel the same. My belly is extremely bloated from what...I don't know. Considering the baby is the size of a sesame seed I'm not sure why I look 5 months pregnant. That is another reason I have hid out, not sure I can hide it and don't want people to stare. I think its a combination of the heparin shots that have my belly very bruised and swollen along with me eating like a cow and laying around alot. For whatever reason..its there and its out there.
Today we are going to venture out to Lot 49 and help with a clean up day...I'll probably hang out with some girlfriends around the hot dog table and make sure everyone gets fed...especially me, sounds horrible doesn't it? Anyway, it'll be good to try to feel like one of the crowd today, maybe I'll be a blessing to someone or be blessed...either way, I pray today is good.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
19dp3dt...Another step in the right direction!
Last Monday I went in for another hcg level..my numbers didn't double. I walked out of of the hospital and while waiting by the van for my dh, I saw an friend of mine in the parking lot. She was hesitate to make eye contact with me...I could tell she was on the verge of tears. After some persuasion and reminding her that people don't just run into each other by coincidence, I asked her to share with me why she was so broken. My lab results were in my hand while we spoke, and I knew my news was not ideal but I had no time to be sad after watching my dear friends tears trail down her cheeks. She shared with me that someone very close to her was dying of cancer and had a mear 3 months to live. She barely could say the words, it broke her heart tremendously. She had spent every day with her family at the hospital praying and loving a man, who by the world standards was destined for death.
When I got back in the car to leave, I started to cry...partially for my babies...mostly for my friend. It really puts things in perspective when you look around and notice that life isn't about you at all. Most of my day I think about the way I feel, the things I want, my life, my journey, my struggles, my hope, my fears, my body...me! Every now and then you have a moment where you step back and realize that nothing was ever about you.. Someone else always need more, wants more, feels more, hurts more, yearns more, deserves more then you. We cant help but to look inward because of our selfishness but if we started to form a habit of looking outward instead..I bet our insides would mold into something creative and unique..something worth taking a look at every now and then.
Our numbers on Thursday March 10th was 124, 4 days later they "should have" doubled twice making them a 500. Our number were instead a 411...some growing happened, but was unsure if things were slowing down and would eventually stop. I found a great link about hcg levels and how doubling really takes 48-72 hrs in early pregnancy..this helped calm my nerves. (http://www.squidoo.com/nondoublinghcg) Both Doctors called and said that as long as number raise by 60% we should be on track. They scheduled another level to be drawn today..Wednesday.
Going in there today was the reveal of growth..if the numbers didn't raise much we knew that things had slowed down and it would be a matter of time for a miscarriage...but if numbers raised then we could still be in the game. I have learned to wait in town for my results to be processed in medical records rather then running home to wait on the couch for a phone call. They are usually done within the hr. so we had a quick breakfast and headed to the hospital. I cheated in the elevator and opened the envelope with my destiny in it...I couldn't wait to know. It crossed my mind to open it with Chad in the car but I just couldn't help but peak and get it over with.
I took it out to the car trying to keep my face from showing any expression that would give it away..and handed it over. Chad opened it and instantly was ecstatic..our numbers was 952! It more then doubled since Monday...relief swept over us..
Next step is ultrasound on Tuesday..we should be able to see the heartbeat along with the yolk sac. It seems things are moving in the right direction...our prayer is to get through the next 3 weeks with no problems. My bleeding has been gone since my ultrasound so I started back on heparin yesterday. Hoping that the combination of drugs and support I'm on keeps up trudging along.
Prayer request:
Complete healing for the man with cancer...and comfort for friends and family
Faith N Fertility women..prayer requests are flooding in daily..If you want to pray for someone just look at their stories on facebook
Our friend Elan to have direction, wisdom, and a heart that seeks God
**Please remember the girls that suffered losses this month..there are so many that are hurting**
When I got back in the car to leave, I started to cry...partially for my babies...mostly for my friend. It really puts things in perspective when you look around and notice that life isn't about you at all. Most of my day I think about the way I feel, the things I want, my life, my journey, my struggles, my hope, my fears, my body...me! Every now and then you have a moment where you step back and realize that nothing was ever about you.. Someone else always need more, wants more, feels more, hurts more, yearns more, deserves more then you. We cant help but to look inward because of our selfishness but if we started to form a habit of looking outward instead..I bet our insides would mold into something creative and unique..something worth taking a look at every now and then.
Our numbers on Thursday March 10th was 124, 4 days later they "should have" doubled twice making them a 500. Our number were instead a 411...some growing happened, but was unsure if things were slowing down and would eventually stop. I found a great link about hcg levels and how doubling really takes 48-72 hrs in early pregnancy..this helped calm my nerves. (http://www.squidoo.com/nondoublinghcg) Both Doctors called and said that as long as number raise by 60% we should be on track. They scheduled another level to be drawn today..Wednesday.
Going in there today was the reveal of growth..if the numbers didn't raise much we knew that things had slowed down and it would be a matter of time for a miscarriage...but if numbers raised then we could still be in the game. I have learned to wait in town for my results to be processed in medical records rather then running home to wait on the couch for a phone call. They are usually done within the hr. so we had a quick breakfast and headed to the hospital. I cheated in the elevator and opened the envelope with my destiny in it...I couldn't wait to know. It crossed my mind to open it with Chad in the car but I just couldn't help but peak and get it over with.
I took it out to the car trying to keep my face from showing any expression that would give it away..and handed it over. Chad opened it and instantly was ecstatic..our numbers was 952! It more then doubled since Monday...relief swept over us..
Next step is ultrasound on Tuesday..we should be able to see the heartbeat along with the yolk sac. It seems things are moving in the right direction...our prayer is to get through the next 3 weeks with no problems. My bleeding has been gone since my ultrasound so I started back on heparin yesterday. Hoping that the combination of drugs and support I'm on keeps up trudging along.
Prayer request:
Complete healing for the man with cancer...and comfort for friends and family
Faith N Fertility women..prayer requests are flooding in daily..If you want to pray for someone just look at their stories on facebook
Our friend Elan to have direction, wisdom, and a heart that seeks God
**Please remember the girls that suffered losses this month..there are so many that are hurting**
Friday, March 11, 2011
For you...
I shut my eyes tonight and thought of one person that was quickly brought to my heart...someone that I know may be suffering as I sit here. I opened the Word and found a beautiful prayer that I would love to say for her. I ask you all that before you read it to shut your eyes as well...seek your heart for that one person who may need you tonight and read this to the Lord for them.
Ephesians 3:14-21
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches, He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. And to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen!"
We all need to be reminded from time to time that we ARE the body of Christ, sometimes we forget and sometimes we look for someone else to be the body instead. The body is a living organism that need connection with each other to be able to function at full potential.
Today was a strangely emotional day...thinking about my friends who are mourning the loss of their pregnancy's this month. Trying to allow myself to feel some joy about our own situation, which is proving to be very hard to do. My disbelief is evident in my thoughts but somewhere deep in my heart...I want to love this, I want to not be scared, I want to just enjoy this time... I think its a process that Ive only gotten so far with and everyday I am getting closer to my last heartache.
I realized today that its only been 6 months since we lost Thadeus...Its true that you don't substitute one child for another because even today I cried for him. We talked about his little beating heart and watching it perform for us on the screen the day he died. He represents the innocent of innocent, never even a hard thought entered him...he wasn't even there yet. He was just simply living like the Lord designed him to do. How beautiful an image I have of him in my mind... You never forget one child just because you have another.
I had an ultrasound today to check on my bleeding..as far as we could see there was no source and so far today I have had no blood. I am so thankful. I listed to my dear friends talk about the onset of their periods and how hard it is when you know that your babies just died. I have felt that so many times that its like tasting rotten food...I hate it for them and hate it for us. The doctor told me today that he knows I'm human and even though he may tell me to relax, I probably wont til fall...I'm sure he must know many women like me.
We wasn't able to see any baby stuff on the u/s..its so early yet. Hopefully in a few weeks that will be a beating heart or hearts to celebrate! Monday I go back for another hcg level, normal levels will be over 500 for me. Lets hope and pray...
Prayer requests:
To make it another week being pregnant...
My family
My friends to feel the Love of Christ
Women of Life group to have vision and direction for Life Church
Blessing to all of you!!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
What you don't know!!
My last post at 11 days past my transfer left me at a traumatic evening of red blood and lost hope. I am so thankful to all my friends that have been moved to pray for me and my family.
Here is the reveal of what you don't know:
....after the bleeding on Monday night, I called the nurse and she suggested that I take a HCG on Tuesday morning. That night nobody rested well and early on Tuesday I took a urine test first thing. At this point, I figured...what does it matter? Instantly there was a faint second line. My blood test came back at a 56...we were pregnant! BUT, for a person like me that doesn't bring much joy or celebration...its a fear in the back of your throat that says, "ok, here we go...again." Scary to feel anything, to get attached to the idea or the baby.
Wednesday brought more red & brown blood.. slight cramping and just an uneasy feeling in my gut. I spent alot of time praying for our baby but mostly for my friends who are still waiting to test...I knew that if things were declining for us, hopefully the other girls would proceed on with their dreams of babies. Our HCG number had to double within 48 hours in order to be a viable pregnancy..although this is a debated statement in the medical field, it is however the average.
Today was our 2nd beta...we had it drawn very early hoping to hear results quickly but didn't find out our #'s til late in the day...the stress of waiting was so hard on us mentally. I cant believe how quickly you can get your feathers ruffled when waiting for confirmation. We are happy and hesitate to announce a 124 result today.. Our doubling time is just over 41 hours. We wanted to share with you so badly because I know many of you are watching and waiting, some have followed me since I began this journey years and years ago. On the other hand we wanted to wait to say anything due to the fact that in 12 yrs we have lost 7 children before 8 weeks of pregnancy. Today we are considered 4 wks and 3 days...and have a long way to go.
I hope that you continue to pray for us and for our babies...and please pray for the girls that are still waiting to confirm pregnancy...there are so many of us out there and we need to lift each other up. We all need it so badly! One thing for sure is that we are not alone. I got on Faith N Fertility (facebook) tonight and was so taken aback by all the love and support that ladies are giving as a infertility community. I am proud to watch girls pour out on each other with prayer and comfort! Way to go girls!!
Prayer requests:
**Logan (the same Jesus that raised people from the dead is doing a mighty work in this girl)
**My private FnF girls who are struggling tonight from negative tests...for Joy to come quickly
**For Faith N Fertility to reach hurting women everywhere and bring them into a family and friendship who understands their struggles
**For my family to be blessed and for this to be the time that was promised to us..
Love you all!! I pray for God's bountiful favor to be with you!
Here is the reveal of what you don't know:
....after the bleeding on Monday night, I called the nurse and she suggested that I take a HCG on Tuesday morning. That night nobody rested well and early on Tuesday I took a urine test first thing. At this point, I figured...what does it matter? Instantly there was a faint second line. My blood test came back at a 56...we were pregnant! BUT, for a person like me that doesn't bring much joy or celebration...its a fear in the back of your throat that says, "ok, here we go...again." Scary to feel anything, to get attached to the idea or the baby.
Wednesday brought more red & brown blood.. slight cramping and just an uneasy feeling in my gut. I spent alot of time praying for our baby but mostly for my friends who are still waiting to test...I knew that if things were declining for us, hopefully the other girls would proceed on with their dreams of babies. Our HCG number had to double within 48 hours in order to be a viable pregnancy..although this is a debated statement in the medical field, it is however the average.
Today was our 2nd beta...we had it drawn very early hoping to hear results quickly but didn't find out our #'s til late in the day...the stress of waiting was so hard on us mentally. I cant believe how quickly you can get your feathers ruffled when waiting for confirmation. We are happy and hesitate to announce a 124 result today.. Our doubling time is just over 41 hours. We wanted to share with you so badly because I know many of you are watching and waiting, some have followed me since I began this journey years and years ago. On the other hand we wanted to wait to say anything due to the fact that in 12 yrs we have lost 7 children before 8 weeks of pregnancy. Today we are considered 4 wks and 3 days...and have a long way to go.
I hope that you continue to pray for us and for our babies...and please pray for the girls that are still waiting to confirm pregnancy...there are so many of us out there and we need to lift each other up. We all need it so badly! One thing for sure is that we are not alone. I got on Faith N Fertility (facebook) tonight and was so taken aback by all the love and support that ladies are giving as a infertility community. I am proud to watch girls pour out on each other with prayer and comfort! Way to go girls!!
Prayer requests:
**Logan (the same Jesus that raised people from the dead is doing a mighty work in this girl)
**My private FnF girls who are struggling tonight from negative tests...for Joy to come quickly
**For Faith N Fertility to reach hurting women everywhere and bring them into a family and friendship who understands their struggles
**For my family to be blessed and for this to be the time that was promised to us..
Love you all!! I pray for God's bountiful favor to be with you!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
11dp3dt Bed Rest....
Last night after watching Letter to God with my dh and bawling my eyes out for a total of 90 minutes straight, I had a moment with God myself.
I took myself to the bathroom for the last trip of the evening when I saw a saturated tissue full of bright red blood. My breathing advanced quickly and within a few seconds I was hyperventilating in the living room unaware I carried the tissue in with me. My heart screamed out in aches and grief that went back years and years...from every pregnancy test to every lost heartbeat. The moans that came out of my mouth were unrecognizable as human...oh, how my souls cries for my unborn. The enemy has me furious and the possibility of being barren has me in shambles. My mourning comes from the deepest part of a breath, the last tail end of any weeping, an attachment that comes beyond the pain as if its bound tight around my every fiber. Ohhhh Jesus...Lord....Rescue me!!
The movie that I had just watched was fresh in my mind, reminding me that we are chosen by God to experience things. Mostly for the sake of others, we are hand-picked to go through things in life, in hopes that our reaction to trial, will cause others to seek God for the same peace and strength that you carry. Its as though the Lord says, "you can do this girl, and you can show others how tenderly I can comfort." Doesn't the Lord just take your breath away...how different my pain and life would be without Him. I lay awake all night thinking of Him, and speaking to Him...I really believed that our babies were gone and I was done. I turned all my cries out to Him for the women who are struggling right now. I begged the Lord for Logan, and Andrea, Mary, Becky, Jessica, and Amanda...I pleaded for my sweet friend Lora and pictured Him taking my requests to His left and telling the Father. I asked for a movement of barren women to be with child and petitioned it with confidence. I prayed for the Faith N Fertility community...all the secret prayer requests and people struggling...all His daughters!! How I love that He listens and hears our prayers!
This morning I was informed by Doc that I am to stop heparin injections in hopes bleeding will stop, I'm on total bed rest which isn't far from what I was doing anyway. I don't mind leaving my heparin in the baggy, wont miss that "chick stick". I am now spotting brown blood again and am hoping and praying that the
God who hears will bless my womb abundantly.
If you are struggling with infertility or want to be a comfort to women who are please join us on Faith N Fertility Journeys on Facebook!
I took myself to the bathroom for the last trip of the evening when I saw a saturated tissue full of bright red blood. My breathing advanced quickly and within a few seconds I was hyperventilating in the living room unaware I carried the tissue in with me. My heart screamed out in aches and grief that went back years and years...from every pregnancy test to every lost heartbeat. The moans that came out of my mouth were unrecognizable as human...oh, how my souls cries for my unborn. The enemy has me furious and the possibility of being barren has me in shambles. My mourning comes from the deepest part of a breath, the last tail end of any weeping, an attachment that comes beyond the pain as if its bound tight around my every fiber. Ohhhh Jesus...Lord....Rescue me!!
The movie that I had just watched was fresh in my mind, reminding me that we are chosen by God to experience things. Mostly for the sake of others, we are hand-picked to go through things in life, in hopes that our reaction to trial, will cause others to seek God for the same peace and strength that you carry. Its as though the Lord says, "you can do this girl, and you can show others how tenderly I can comfort." Doesn't the Lord just take your breath away...how different my pain and life would be without Him. I lay awake all night thinking of Him, and speaking to Him...I really believed that our babies were gone and I was done. I turned all my cries out to Him for the women who are struggling right now. I begged the Lord for Logan, and Andrea, Mary, Becky, Jessica, and Amanda...I pleaded for my sweet friend Lora and pictured Him taking my requests to His left and telling the Father. I asked for a movement of barren women to be with child and petitioned it with confidence. I prayed for the Faith N Fertility community...all the secret prayer requests and people struggling...all His daughters!! How I love that He listens and hears our prayers!
This morning I was informed by Doc that I am to stop heparin injections in hopes bleeding will stop, I'm on total bed rest which isn't far from what I was doing anyway. I don't mind leaving my heparin in the baggy, wont miss that "chick stick". I am now spotting brown blood again and am hoping and praying that the
God who hears will bless my womb abundantly.
If you are struggling with infertility or want to be a comfort to women who are please join us on Faith N Fertility Journeys on Facebook!
Monday, March 7, 2011
There's a smiling women in my house! (10dp3dt)
The last 2 days were wicked! I've had bouts of hard cramping, the brown spotting has remained, and my once sore bb are no longer feeling the pain of the hormones...this is a prime recipe for DOUBT!
Doubt can make you go into a frenzy, trying to manipulate reality...to make it what you want it to be. It can make you negative and a dart thrower of malicious words. It can also make you terribly terribly sad, dragging everyone around you into your selfish pit of destruction. Doubt for me has done these things before, but this time it did something very different. It made me tired! Instead of thinking of mean things to say or how to throw my body language around like I was in misery, I just laid my head down and didn't move for hours...for days. I have become one with the couch so much that I don't even have recollection of breathing or blinking my own eyes. I just lay like I don't exist til time passes by and hands me something new.
Today when I woke and contemplated on how pathetic I was being, I decided to think about some things that have happened in the past...
I thought back to a few weeks before I went to Missouri and how I was at a women's retreat listening to a speaker from Chicago talk about living in the Spirit of God daily. It was just a average Saturday morning and wanted to get out of the house a bit. Later in the day the speaker walks by me and gently puts her hand on my left shoulder, she apologizes for interrupting the conversation that was going on at our group table and said very confidently.."The Lord is telling me to tell you that there is a baby on its way and that I need to pray over your womb right now!" Can you imagine the shock that I was in...who was this women? who was this God who speaks to me at just the right time? I was overjoyed and in dismay, I leaned back in my chair and let her place her trembling hands on my abdomen and pray...That was just what I needed before I embarked on my journey...It gave me such strong hope!
I thought of the time I was visiting a friends church on Sunday morning and they called out to the people stating that there was a women God was beckoning forward, to be healed from not being able to have a baby. I looked around and no one was going forward, my dh nudged me to go but I was hesitant. The man said it again and said, why not come...what do you have to lose?? I went forward and was prayed for in such a way I never experienced before...my heart told me "yes, my time was close." Is this weird?? For someone like me, it seems to be normal.
A friend called me one morning last year and said the Lord woke her up at 3 am to pray for me. I slept well in my bed as my friend Logan lay on her face in her living room weeping for me and my desire to have more children. The Lord gave her a verse...and she passed it to me. As I pressed into the verse I was shown a vision ( now I'm sure you think I'm really strange) It was of a mass of women and the Lord said loudly..."barren" I was in the middle with women as far as the eye could see on both sides of me, all facing forward. Then as if in unison, we all turned to the right and the Lord said, "with child" and everyone of the women were baring fruitful bellies as they turned. I knew then that the Lord was doing a mighty work in the women that have cried out to Him on behalf of their offspring!
There was a man who came to me and said that they Lord showed him a large baby in my belly...and it was a son.
I was at a retreat and spoke to a man who gave me the words..."go home and prepare for a child"
I spoke to a lady on the phone who told me a few months ago, " whatever you are asking the Lord for, he will give you in abundance...he is giving you more then one..o my, you are going to be the mother of many!" I never even told her anything but my name, we spoke of nothing personal. She said she just felt it so strongly to tell me!
These situations have been going on for years...I have a whole notebook full of promises that I feel that the Lord has given me and my family, mostly through complete strangers. We have so many stories...so many times He has spoken to us and revealed this thing He is using us for. After thinking upon these things this morning, I realized that I have no worries! God has this! He hears us when we cry out...and then He responds because that's who He is.
A few days ago I passed by my mirror and was horrified at what I saw...I was so pale white, flushed, and tired. I looked like someone I didn't even know. I even said aloud, "what in the world!" Today, I walked by and saw an women smiling in my house!! I think I wanna hang out with her today and see what kind of things we can positively accomplish here at home. Only 4 more days til beta test time, then we will know our results for sure. Yesterday it seemed like a year away, today...its just a matter of time. Time that I can spend smiling and waiting for a grand surprise!!
Today Symptoms:
brown spotting
cramping (very intense on 9dp transfer...slight today)
Doubt can make you go into a frenzy, trying to manipulate reality...to make it what you want it to be. It can make you negative and a dart thrower of malicious words. It can also make you terribly terribly sad, dragging everyone around you into your selfish pit of destruction. Doubt for me has done these things before, but this time it did something very different. It made me tired! Instead of thinking of mean things to say or how to throw my body language around like I was in misery, I just laid my head down and didn't move for hours...for days. I have become one with the couch so much that I don't even have recollection of breathing or blinking my own eyes. I just lay like I don't exist til time passes by and hands me something new.
Today when I woke and contemplated on how pathetic I was being, I decided to think about some things that have happened in the past...
I thought back to a few weeks before I went to Missouri and how I was at a women's retreat listening to a speaker from Chicago talk about living in the Spirit of God daily. It was just a average Saturday morning and wanted to get out of the house a bit. Later in the day the speaker walks by me and gently puts her hand on my left shoulder, she apologizes for interrupting the conversation that was going on at our group table and said very confidently.."The Lord is telling me to tell you that there is a baby on its way and that I need to pray over your womb right now!" Can you imagine the shock that I was in...who was this women? who was this God who speaks to me at just the right time? I was overjoyed and in dismay, I leaned back in my chair and let her place her trembling hands on my abdomen and pray...That was just what I needed before I embarked on my journey...It gave me such strong hope!
I thought of the time I was visiting a friends church on Sunday morning and they called out to the people stating that there was a women God was beckoning forward, to be healed from not being able to have a baby. I looked around and no one was going forward, my dh nudged me to go but I was hesitant. The man said it again and said, why not come...what do you have to lose?? I went forward and was prayed for in such a way I never experienced before...my heart told me "yes, my time was close." Is this weird?? For someone like me, it seems to be normal.
A friend called me one morning last year and said the Lord woke her up at 3 am to pray for me. I slept well in my bed as my friend Logan lay on her face in her living room weeping for me and my desire to have more children. The Lord gave her a verse...and she passed it to me. As I pressed into the verse I was shown a vision ( now I'm sure you think I'm really strange) It was of a mass of women and the Lord said loudly..."barren" I was in the middle with women as far as the eye could see on both sides of me, all facing forward. Then as if in unison, we all turned to the right and the Lord said, "with child" and everyone of the women were baring fruitful bellies as they turned. I knew then that the Lord was doing a mighty work in the women that have cried out to Him on behalf of their offspring!
There was a man who came to me and said that they Lord showed him a large baby in my belly...and it was a son.
I was at a retreat and spoke to a man who gave me the words..."go home and prepare for a child"
I spoke to a lady on the phone who told me a few months ago, " whatever you are asking the Lord for, he will give you in abundance...he is giving you more then one..o my, you are going to be the mother of many!" I never even told her anything but my name, we spoke of nothing personal. She said she just felt it so strongly to tell me!
These situations have been going on for years...I have a whole notebook full of promises that I feel that the Lord has given me and my family, mostly through complete strangers. We have so many stories...so many times He has spoken to us and revealed this thing He is using us for. After thinking upon these things this morning, I realized that I have no worries! God has this! He hears us when we cry out...and then He responds because that's who He is.
A few days ago I passed by my mirror and was horrified at what I saw...I was so pale white, flushed, and tired. I looked like someone I didn't even know. I even said aloud, "what in the world!" Today, I walked by and saw an women smiling in my house!! I think I wanna hang out with her today and see what kind of things we can positively accomplish here at home. Only 4 more days til beta test time, then we will know our results for sure. Yesterday it seemed like a year away, today...its just a matter of time. Time that I can spend smiling and waiting for a grand surprise!!
Today Symptoms:
brown spotting
cramping (very intense on 9dp transfer...slight today)
Saturday, March 5, 2011
8dp3dt...Believing we are 3 weeks pregnant
Today is Saturday and I'm bunking out on the couch once again. My butt seems to think something is going terribly haywire when I get up to move...she is so used to being in a "resting state" that she becomes heavy and sways from side to side when I walk :)
I have felt pretty good mentally, emotionally stable at the moment also, but physically have had some new discoveries. On Wednesday (5dp3dt) I had started some menstrual type cramping that came and went all day and into the night. Thursday I had the same but not so extreme, kind of like a dull ache low in my abdomen. I searched online and of course found tons of women that are exactly where I am with the same symptoms so I relaxed a little. Yesterday was good til evening time when I started to have a "sour tummy," I felt pretty nauseous here and there, after I ate a salad it settled down and felt fine. I got out in the afternoon and drove to Ft Wayne with dh to get out of the house for a bit. After a late movie back at home, I took one last trip to the bathroom and had brown spotting.
I had prayed for spotting as a sign of implantation for so many women report having it especially if they are on heparin like me. I wanted an outward sign to meet up with the things I am feeling in my heart. I was so pleased to get it...dh on the other hand is a little nervous and cautious. I dreamed of starting my period which sent me into a bit of a panic this morning, but when I went potty, things were the same...Lt brown and very little. I called the nurse to let her know and she said it was ok...but if it turned red then to call her. Now we are praying all spotting ceases...so glad the Lord can put up with all my requests.
So today I am back to doing nothing and taking it easy. Good thing is I just know I'm pregnant! I've been practicing "Faith Statements" during the day, like stating and proclaiming things in Jesus' name. For instance I say, "My babies are growing and thriving with the protection of the Lord...in Jesus' name!" and I'm choosing to believe it. I am asking God to increase my faith so I can believe the unseen and trust the invisible. I just know that this is a time of favor for us. I tried to picture myself not pregnant the other day and prepare myself for negative news and I simply couldn't...I physically and mentally couldn't picture it, it was as if saying what already is never was. It didn't make sense!
For those praying for us, please continue...
Ilana was praying before bed and her request to the Lord was, "please don't let our babies die..." Bless the prayer of such a sweet girl.
On the farm front we have Dane & Neo puppies to sell, vaccine, and spoil before they leave next week or so. Mia's Neo puppies are nearly 20 lbs at 6 weeks (pic for your enjoyment) We desperately need to spend some time on Neo advertising. We quickly became well known Great Dane breeders but the Neo community is a little tougher to crack. We used the best stud around so we are hoping our program takes off soon.
OK, seriously...have you ever seen anything cuter??
Today Tanner and I spent some time together talking... that doesn't happen often with his busy schedule of school, work, and girlfriend. It hit as a reality that he will be 18 in 3 months...please remember that in your prayers as well. He still has a year of high school left and we want him to make wise decisions.
Thanks for checking in on me and reading my ramblings...love you all!
8dp3dt Symptoms:
tired (could be pio shots)
nauseous
lower back pain
brown spotting
increased libido (silly but true)
menstrual type cramping
tender chest (could be from pio shots)
I have felt pretty good mentally, emotionally stable at the moment also, but physically have had some new discoveries. On Wednesday (5dp3dt) I had started some menstrual type cramping that came and went all day and into the night. Thursday I had the same but not so extreme, kind of like a dull ache low in my abdomen. I searched online and of course found tons of women that are exactly where I am with the same symptoms so I relaxed a little. Yesterday was good til evening time when I started to have a "sour tummy," I felt pretty nauseous here and there, after I ate a salad it settled down and felt fine. I got out in the afternoon and drove to Ft Wayne with dh to get out of the house for a bit. After a late movie back at home, I took one last trip to the bathroom and had brown spotting.
I had prayed for spotting as a sign of implantation for so many women report having it especially if they are on heparin like me. I wanted an outward sign to meet up with the things I am feeling in my heart. I was so pleased to get it...dh on the other hand is a little nervous and cautious. I dreamed of starting my period which sent me into a bit of a panic this morning, but when I went potty, things were the same...Lt brown and very little. I called the nurse to let her know and she said it was ok...but if it turned red then to call her. Now we are praying all spotting ceases...so glad the Lord can put up with all my requests.
So today I am back to doing nothing and taking it easy. Good thing is I just know I'm pregnant! I've been practicing "Faith Statements" during the day, like stating and proclaiming things in Jesus' name. For instance I say, "My babies are growing and thriving with the protection of the Lord...in Jesus' name!" and I'm choosing to believe it. I am asking God to increase my faith so I can believe the unseen and trust the invisible. I just know that this is a time of favor for us. I tried to picture myself not pregnant the other day and prepare myself for negative news and I simply couldn't...I physically and mentally couldn't picture it, it was as if saying what already is never was. It didn't make sense!
For those praying for us, please continue...
Ilana was praying before bed and her request to the Lord was, "please don't let our babies die..." Bless the prayer of such a sweet girl.
On the farm front we have Dane & Neo puppies to sell, vaccine, and spoil before they leave next week or so. Mia's Neo puppies are nearly 20 lbs at 6 weeks (pic for your enjoyment) We desperately need to spend some time on Neo advertising. We quickly became well known Great Dane breeders but the Neo community is a little tougher to crack. We used the best stud around so we are hoping our program takes off soon.
OK, seriously...have you ever seen anything cuter??
Today Tanner and I spent some time together talking... that doesn't happen often with his busy schedule of school, work, and girlfriend. It hit as a reality that he will be 18 in 3 months...please remember that in your prayers as well. He still has a year of high school left and we want him to make wise decisions.
Thanks for checking in on me and reading my ramblings...love you all!
8dp3dt Symptoms:
tired (could be pio shots)
nauseous
lower back pain
brown spotting
increased libido (silly but true)
menstrual type cramping
tender chest (could be from pio shots)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
STEP AWAY FROM THE TEST!
Finding a lone pregnancy test in the bathroom is not a good thing when you are frantically wondering if you are pregnant. Strict Dr orders says no stick tests..no testing til Doc gives the ok. The 2ww is horrible!! I thought for sure I had more self control then this. I have read non stop blogs and message boards about how women have taken tests at this point and known results so its so hard not to be curious!
Basic rundown of development is this... babies were conceived on Feb 22nd. I was given a hcg shot 36 hrs prior on the 20th. The hcg trigger shot stays in your body for 6-10 days, distributing the pregnancy hormone so that your body can react appropriately. During this time you waste your money in home tests because you would certainly pick up on the hormone and cause you double lines. Nothing is worse then a false positive so we logically avoid that.
The trigger shot has since left the building and now we are assuming babies are implanting and soon will create and distribute their own hcg whenever they attach to the uterine wall. EXCITING!! Implantation occurs 6-10 days on average from time of conception...making it happen in my life between last Monday and this Friday...tomorrow. Yesterday I had some menstrual type cramping on and off which is a really good sign that babies are burrowing in their safe spot and attaching. That means that the hcg hormone is already being produced or will be very soon.
Most women I have read up on took at test on 6dp3dt (6 days past a 3 day transfer) and had a faint line at least. O, how I wish it wasn't so mentally staining. I have bargained with dh to see what he thinks about testing early and he has simply left it up to me...so dangerous :) I am hoping that I can restrain myself and just be obedient to my RE but who knows...I can be somewhat clumsy with my urine around pee tests!!
As for this hr I have convinced myself though to STEP AWAY FROM THE TEST! STEP AWAY! STEP IT AWAY GIRL!!! Whew...today is gonna be hard :)
Just for fun here is a basic growth pattern of an embryo day to day past the transfer (Feb 25th) Today we are 6 days past...
1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt… Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells &
fetal cells
8dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
14dpt...beta pregnancy test is done in lab
Infertility abbreviation 101
Here is a run down of basic infertility abbreviations for those who are not familiar. That way I can start to write the way I normally communicate with the TTC (trying to conceive) community:
AH Assisted Hatching
ART Assisted Reproductive Technology
BBT Basal Body Temperature
BCP Birth Control Pills
CD Cycle Day
CM Cervical Mucous
D&C Dilation and Curettage
D&E Dilation and Evacuation
DH Dear Husband
DI Donor Insemination
DPO Days post-ovualtion
DPT Days post-transfer
DX Diagnosis
E2 Estradiol
ET Embryo transfer
FET Frozen embryo transfer
FSH Follicle Stimulating Hormone
GIFT Gamete Intra-fallopian transfer
GnRH Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
HCG Human Chorioonic Gonadotropin
HPT Home pregnancy test
HSG Hysterosalpingogram
ICI Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI Intra-cytoplasmic SPerm Injection
IF Infertility
IM Intra-muscular
IUI Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg Intravenous Immunoglobulin
LAP Laparoscopy
LPD Leuteal Phase Defect
MC or M/C Miscarriage
MESA Microsurgical Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
NK Natural Killer Cells
NP Nurse Practitioner
OHSS Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK Ovualtion Predictor Kit
PCO, PCOD Polycycstic Ovary Disease
PCT Post Coital Test
PG Pregnant
PI Primary infertility
PID Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PMS Pre-menstrual Syndrome
POF Premature Ovarian Failure
RE Reproductive Endocrinologist
SA Semen Analysis
TX Treatment
ZIFT Zygote Intrafallopian Transfer
Anyone have any other to add??
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I'm Alive..and off the couch :)
Out of all the ivf research I had done I never expected how mentally and physically straining it would be on my body. I have had nearly the roughest last 3 weeks of my life. Although Logan & I expected to go to Missouri and have giggly girl time while preparing for transfer..we were both slapped silly when it was days on end laying in separate beds like two 75 yr old women who had been punched in the stomach. There were a few days in totality where we were able to move about and do things, but were quickly reminded that we were on hormone overload and had needles calling our names. Most days I felt better then Lo did, meaning I wasn't excessively vomiting or screaming when I peed..but the nausea became like an appendage to me and the cramping was intense. I know everyones body is different but I'm not sure there is one book out there telling the true thriller story of taking a person terrified of needles and giving them a injection protocol. Every morning and night you talk yourself into jamming a needle in your gut just to inject medicine that feels like flaming fire into your already swollen sore belly....o the memories!!
Chad and Dave came to be with us on Sunday night...it was a sort of adjustment to say the least. "Mo and Gertrude" the 75 yr old imitations of ourselves, had laid in our disgusting room with no energy to even gather trash for a whole week. It smelled like a bad day at the gym and looked like a hillbilly's rendition of a college dorm room. We totally stunk up the place! Whenever we would leave our room for any reason and then come back we would comment on how bad it smelled before we even opened the door. Its not as though we live this way typically but when you cant even wash your own hair cause it hurts to raise your arms above your abdomen, then doing dishes and picking up just isn't on the agenda.
I was so glad that Chad was there with me, he brought 2 things however that I wasn't so sure about. Some of you may know that we hobby breed Great Danes and Neapolitan Mastiffs. Back home we had a little Neo girl who was about 3 weeks old and was not being taken care of by her mommy. When I had left she was under care and being tube fed every 4 hrs for she hadn't started eating on her own yet. We hoped that she would learn that task by the time Chad would leave but unfortunately she didn't...so she became my roommate and priority. The other thing Chad brought with him was a cold that soon turned into the flu..or food poisoning we are still unsure. Whatever it was, it caused on onset of symptoms that lay Chad in the bed for nearly the whole time we were together in Missouri. He looked so forward to getting a break and taking a little vacation from home but soon the ivf adventure slapped him silly also.
Our egg retrieval was on Tuesday the 22nd. As I was being prepped for surgery Logan was laying in the next bed, she was so excited to have a high number of eggs retrieved with such a hope for pregnancy! I was ready and almost jumped on the table with my dangling ovaries to have my eggs removed. I couldn't have been more excited to have something surgically removed from my body. I was so sure that once my eggs were out, my ovaries would settle down and so would my discomfort level. I awoke to the news that 31 eggs were successfully taken. The number seemed so high to me considering I'm 35 and have probably wasted tons of eggs on the past 12 yrs of taking clomid and gonatrophins. We were pleased.
The next 2 days are kinda blurry..don't know if not much happened or if it was because I was taking tons of percuset for pain! I believe I must of been high!! I walked around in a daze.. I started taking the dreaded progesterone in oil shot in my rump the day of retrieval and it was a breeze. I thought, what in the world...i didn't feel a thing!! We went to Cabellas and walked around and walked around and around...I don't remember a whole lot. We ate, moved around, smiled, and everything was peachy. On Thursday I figured I better not take the pain killer anymore so that it would exit my system when transfer happened on Friday. That is when I realized that progesterone shots hurt like a Mother May I, and Cabellas isn't near as dreamy as I had dreamed, and that all my smiles had faded quickly. My lips were in a formation of "what in the wow!" all day....Ouch!! This is where my screaming when I peed kicked in and farting was a process that you needed to talk yourself into!
The transfer on Friday came fast. I wanted to be happy and giddy..so excited for the possibilities but actually this is when dread slipped into my mind. I found myself scared. In the prep room Aaron, the embryologist, came in to let us know that out of my 31 eggs only 20 were fertilized. He had picked 2 grade b+ embryos (picture above) to transfer to my uterus and only 11 remained growing in the lab. We were unsure if any of the 11 would make it to freezing stage. We instantly lost a bit of hope for the future and began to be discouraged. I felt at that moment that I didn't think I could physically go through another round of ivf if this one didn't work. The transfer went ideal...beautiful. Doc explained that they load them into the catheter with an air bubble between the first and second embryo and then one after the 2nd embryo, holding them into the womb without escape. This would increase the chances of them implanting in a few days. They guided the catheter by ultrasound and watching them being deposited was almost surreal. It was as though you were instantly put into parental mode...scared to move, scared to lose them.
We traveled back home later that night, since then my mind has been on guard for every thought that enters it. Friday and Saturday I was a wreck. I wanted to be mad, disappointed, and nasty..just wanted to protect myself from being hurt. I was easily taking it out on the people I loved..being very negative. Then almost like a switch, when Aaron called on Monday and said we were able to freeze 3 of our remaining embryos, I grasped that truth that God did not bring me here to ditch me!! I was instantly reminded of all the things He has promised me. Things He has told others to speak to me, things He has told me himself, things that are undeniable! I chose to believe Him and am holding to the account He has given me. I beg Him as He always gives me permission to do, and I actually just love that its in His power only. Soon enough we will find out our results and when we do I will praise Him regardless...because He is always good!!
Prayer requests:
*For all our faith n fertility girls this month to know Gods direction for their infertility journey
*For Feb patients that did ivf with us...positive strong results!!
*For implantation of both our embryos...the Lord says life is in the blood and so we pray and plead for Him to allow them to receive my blood and attach themselves them to.
*For us to Believe and to not leave room for doubt!
Chad and Dave came to be with us on Sunday night...it was a sort of adjustment to say the least. "Mo and Gertrude" the 75 yr old imitations of ourselves, had laid in our disgusting room with no energy to even gather trash for a whole week. It smelled like a bad day at the gym and looked like a hillbilly's rendition of a college dorm room. We totally stunk up the place! Whenever we would leave our room for any reason and then come back we would comment on how bad it smelled before we even opened the door. Its not as though we live this way typically but when you cant even wash your own hair cause it hurts to raise your arms above your abdomen, then doing dishes and picking up just isn't on the agenda.
I was so glad that Chad was there with me, he brought 2 things however that I wasn't so sure about. Some of you may know that we hobby breed Great Danes and Neapolitan Mastiffs. Back home we had a little Neo girl who was about 3 weeks old and was not being taken care of by her mommy. When I had left she was under care and being tube fed every 4 hrs for she hadn't started eating on her own yet. We hoped that she would learn that task by the time Chad would leave but unfortunately she didn't...so she became my roommate and priority. The other thing Chad brought with him was a cold that soon turned into the flu..or food poisoning we are still unsure. Whatever it was, it caused on onset of symptoms that lay Chad in the bed for nearly the whole time we were together in Missouri. He looked so forward to getting a break and taking a little vacation from home but soon the ivf adventure slapped him silly also.
Our egg retrieval was on Tuesday the 22nd. As I was being prepped for surgery Logan was laying in the next bed, she was so excited to have a high number of eggs retrieved with such a hope for pregnancy! I was ready and almost jumped on the table with my dangling ovaries to have my eggs removed. I couldn't have been more excited to have something surgically removed from my body. I was so sure that once my eggs were out, my ovaries would settle down and so would my discomfort level. I awoke to the news that 31 eggs were successfully taken. The number seemed so high to me considering I'm 35 and have probably wasted tons of eggs on the past 12 yrs of taking clomid and gonatrophins. We were pleased.
The next 2 days are kinda blurry..don't know if not much happened or if it was because I was taking tons of percuset for pain! I believe I must of been high!! I walked around in a daze.. I started taking the dreaded progesterone in oil shot in my rump the day of retrieval and it was a breeze. I thought, what in the world...i didn't feel a thing!! We went to Cabellas and walked around and walked around and around...I don't remember a whole lot. We ate, moved around, smiled, and everything was peachy. On Thursday I figured I better not take the pain killer anymore so that it would exit my system when transfer happened on Friday. That is when I realized that progesterone shots hurt like a Mother May I, and Cabellas isn't near as dreamy as I had dreamed, and that all my smiles had faded quickly. My lips were in a formation of "what in the wow!" all day....Ouch!! This is where my screaming when I peed kicked in and farting was a process that you needed to talk yourself into!
The transfer on Friday came fast. I wanted to be happy and giddy..so excited for the possibilities but actually this is when dread slipped into my mind. I found myself scared. In the prep room Aaron, the embryologist, came in to let us know that out of my 31 eggs only 20 were fertilized. He had picked 2 grade b+ embryos (picture above) to transfer to my uterus and only 11 remained growing in the lab. We were unsure if any of the 11 would make it to freezing stage. We instantly lost a bit of hope for the future and began to be discouraged. I felt at that moment that I didn't think I could physically go through another round of ivf if this one didn't work. The transfer went ideal...beautiful. Doc explained that they load them into the catheter with an air bubble between the first and second embryo and then one after the 2nd embryo, holding them into the womb without escape. This would increase the chances of them implanting in a few days. They guided the catheter by ultrasound and watching them being deposited was almost surreal. It was as though you were instantly put into parental mode...scared to move, scared to lose them.
We traveled back home later that night, since then my mind has been on guard for every thought that enters it. Friday and Saturday I was a wreck. I wanted to be mad, disappointed, and nasty..just wanted to protect myself from being hurt. I was easily taking it out on the people I loved..being very negative. Then almost like a switch, when Aaron called on Monday and said we were able to freeze 3 of our remaining embryos, I grasped that truth that God did not bring me here to ditch me!! I was instantly reminded of all the things He has promised me. Things He has told others to speak to me, things He has told me himself, things that are undeniable! I chose to believe Him and am holding to the account He has given me. I beg Him as He always gives me permission to do, and I actually just love that its in His power only. Soon enough we will find out our results and when we do I will praise Him regardless...because He is always good!!
Prayer requests:
*For all our faith n fertility girls this month to know Gods direction for their infertility journey
*For Feb patients that did ivf with us...positive strong results!!
*For implantation of both our embryos...the Lord says life is in the blood and so we pray and plead for Him to allow them to receive my blood and attach themselves them to.
*For us to Believe and to not leave room for doubt!
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