Spilling it all..

My heart is sensitive in 3 categories this week..because I have so much to share I am breaking it down in 3 sections..Here goes!

BABY LOSS:
This week has been tough with the announcement of the genders of all the babies to come that are around me.  The circle of friends that I have is saturated with women who are expecting, we all were just weeks apart.  It has been hard to hear the exciting news of upcoming deliveries.  Its not that I'm sad for them having something that I don't; its that my baby will not be celebrated..no one will google over her or admire the way her face is shaped. My sweet girl misses out on a life with family & friends..I miss out on seeing her grow & mold into a purposeful life. Because our children were so close in age, I will forever ache for the daughter we never held when I hear of all the new developments. The pain has turned from sad to anger to sad to angry again.  I am still morning my Thadeus and before I can heal from that we are morning another child with minimal answers as to why.

TESTING & NEW DISCOVERIES:
All my testing is back..I have a couple things I was not aware of.  I tested positive for MTHFR & PAI-1, these seem to be in somewhat of 20% of ttc couples. MTHFR is a B vitamin deficiency, its treated by additional folic acid and is linked to miscarriage. I was on preventive for this by taking Folguard daily but after researching, I found that the type of folate that we need is called L-Methylfolate.  It is a broken down version of the folate making MTHFR patients able to absorb it correctly.  Folguard does not contain this form so I am looking into taking a med called Metanx. This is something I will have to take for a lifetime.

PAI-1 is a clotting disorder, which I knew I was already borderline for something like this. The treatment is to take a baby aspirin daily for life and then start heparin while pregnant.  I also was taking this remedy after we had ivf done. I researched this also and found that with clotting disorders in pregnancy it is best to take a low molecular weight heparin such as Lovenex instead of heparin itself. These are definitely some small changes I will make when we return for our babies.  It isn't however enough changes for me to feel confident about running back to the Dr in the near future.  I have been aggravated and dissatisfied this week with the lack of answers.  God is working on me...as always

MY SECRET:
The news everyone has been waiting for.  The Creator of miracles is ALWAYS at work. Shortly after we found out we were pregnant we received some news that we have kept tucked away.  We were hesitate but hopeful that things would work out, as time moves on, our eyes are being opened to knowing that what I'm about to announce is real & God breathed. 

After careful consideration on details & speaking with my friend who is involved in this situation, I feel urged to share this with all of you...

We are adopting a baby in November!  The mom has been in my life for around 10 yrs..she is so sweet to encourage me to share my feelings on here in hopes that it helps me in the waiting period & with the stress of our babies loss.  This baby will be arriving around the time our daughter would of arrived.  The details to this story is what is so amazing to me, I have to reserve them at this time but as they unfold you will see how great Gods divine appointment is when things line up under His will.  To protect the baby's mommy we will call her "Elle".  As you write comments on here she reads them and I encourage you to bless her by expressing to her how lovely a person is to consider adoption as an option.  She is not on Faith N Fertility so please leave your comments on here instead of facebook.

Day by day the Lord is breaking down the guard I put on my heart for this baby.  I think its healthy to simply guard your heart but I had a wall forbidding me to feel anything in hopes I would not be hurt again.  Losing children, in whatever way they come to you, is such a torment on the mind & heart of a women.  I was terrified to grieve again while I'm already grieving two babies that I just lost so recently.  I spoke to a friend who encouraged me to pray for the baby; something I almost refused to do.  I spoke vague prayers but nothing beyond a "bless Elle & bless baby" I knew that if I did pray with my heart; I would fall in love and there would be no turning back.

A few days ago I was laying on the couch & was pondering on the baby in Elle's belly.  I started thinking about the baby I was carrying and how much I prayed for every little detail...I prayed for her whole life. It rushed to me so quickly all the finite things that needed to be said over Elle's little baby.  I started wondering who was praying besides Elle??  Who was asking the Father about the babies life in detail?? I started getting anxious about all the spiritual work that needed done.  I went into fervent prayer for Elle, her body, her life, her decisions, her safety, her family, her home...and then on to praying for the baby in a way a Mommy prays for her child.  I knew then in my heart that this was real & that my baby is on the way.

I talk to Elle mostly everyday by text or phone, I seen her a few days ago and squeezed her so hard.  Its good to see her face and see how good she is doing.  Please pray for this sweet girl and for the sacrifice she is making.  Please pray for her to be blessed beyond measure and for God to pursue her in a way that draws her closer to Him always. 

In a few weeks we too will find out the gender of our baby....how ironic is that!

I cant wait to share more as time progresses! We have not shared with Ilana yet..but how exciting it will be when she sees how adoption blesses a family..and how badly we want this new baby and how badly we wanted her!

3 Days ago

I blogged this 3 days ago but between my computer having some viral infections & blogger being "down" I haven't been able to post it til now..Hope to write again tomorrow :)

So many things are up in the air...Undefined or not yet verified.  Things that are so important and they hang in the stillness of the day with no ambition to give me answers.  Waiting on the unexplainable today seems very heavy.

I teared up today as I ran across some “old” things from a few weeks ago.  It’s strange to think it’s only been 3 weeks.  I’m sure I’ve said that same line before attached to a different heartache.  I guess it’s not that hard to believe.  I still feel somewhat numb...Disappointed...Voided. 

I haven’t allowed myself to place much visual attachment to our baby.  Just knowing she is a girl makes it hard, a different kind of hard.  I think imagining a face or giggle will break me in two.

Life here has regained normalcy for the most part...Tanner is in school & working during the afternoons; I tend to miss him alot.  Ilana is home now, we have decided after much prayer to homeschool her...She is doing great!  Chad works non-stop trying to keep things moving along here. I seem to be doing a lot of things but inside I’m standing pretty still.  My thoughts are not very deep; just simple.

Exciting things do seem to be brewing for our family… just right out of reach.  I have a “secret” that I’ve kept pretty private since late February.  I have wanted badly to announce it to the world, for my own sake mostly.  I felt that the more people that know may make it more real…but it involves a friend of mine  and I recently received permission from her to openly talk about it this last week.   I was blessed that she encouraged me to express my emotions about this “secret” on here openly to you.  I am currently praying & waiting for the words to write.

Back on the recurrent pregnancy loss front; I received some testing back today, inhibin-b and Vit D...both normal.  I feel like there is not much more that I can be tested for.  I’m at a loss as to what could be wrong.  Most miscarriages fall into categories of fault; these include things like genetic abnormalities, uterine abnormalities, immune factors, male factor, hormonal aspects, and clotting factors.  I’ve been tested for them all & on meds for the ones I know I struggle with...Just not sure what else is out there.

All I know is I am here and am continuing to seek Gods direction,

I’m quite sure the Lord is creating one big beautiful story…

Sigh.

The days have passed by without fail and they've been nothing short of weird for me.  I have maybe only cried once since the baby died.  I have had no real emotion for almost 2 weeks until last night.  I met up with some friends for a girls night...hanging out, eating pizza, and playing some cheesy games.  A few hrs into the night I felt anxiety creeping in, nearly within 30 min I was on the brink of a mental trap.  I texted Chad to come get me, not giving him any indication of anything other then I was tired.  He took his time getting there unaware of my current breakdown status.  I kept my composure, almost gave it all away when I met up with a friend in the kitchen letting her know I was going to head home early, I gave her some idea that I was "uncomfortable."  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way home that I realized that I was in a full blown panic attack.  I have not had one for nearly 4 years...I had forgotten how traumatic they can be.  I wailed all the way home, it started seconds after saying a smiling goodbye to my friends.  What in the world??  It came on so fast!  I felt so out of control..praying for God to sustain my thoughts and take over my reactions.  I was scrambling for my eternity focus..that happy place I have been these last days.

Thank Jesus for time..for the passing of time..and for every new day.  Today is new and different then last night, its more focused & not so heavy.

My mind before our girls night has been so empowered by God.  He has taken away my sadness and helped me claim victory where there seems to be none.  I have been so focused on the heavenly outcome and eternity status of the situation that I couldn't bear to even think about what had just happened.  I would have twinges of guilt that I wasn't "broken" over this child compared to the others but then I would realize that its not based on the level of love that I felt for this baby, but the place of maturity God graced me with for this time.  I never in a million years would think I could feel this way, be so full of joy, after such a loss in our family.  Joy has never came easy for me, and now it was just like a shirt I put on in the morning...it fit so perfectly and I just kept it on.  It was my favorite garment.  I liked myself more when I had this joy.  Its as though God let me taste what its like to be in that all the time.  When last night snuck up on me..it stole my joy instantly and I had to fight to get it back...I wasn't going to let it go very easily.

That makes it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual hard hitter but actually in reality...I did let it go easy.  I took 2 pain pills from my D&E and went to bed crying.  It was God's mercy & deep grace that allowed me to get up this morning feeling good.

I go back to the Dr. tomorrow, I think that may be why I unconsciously had that episode.  I feel in my heart that it may be hard to hear what he has to say.  Our tests results should be in telling us if our baby was a boy or a girl.  Either answer on that testing is going to be painful and probably make this more real then its felt so far.  Our chromosome testing should be in, letting us know if our little one was genetically healthy.  Then we have to talk about our next steps...its always a beautiful conversation. No matter where you are and what Dr you are with it probably will consist of something that costs tons of money and guarantees no answers or promise.  I'm ready to talk to the Dr about my bleeding & cramping, Ive called once and was told it was normal but my gut tells me it may not be.  Tomorrow is 2 weeks and I have severe cramping at times and the bleeding is heavy all the time.  It has not tapered and causes me to worry about things like anemia.

I have been praying to God for wisdom, for my body to be healthy, and for Him to plain out just heal me.  He will do what He sees best as always.  I trust Him and love Him so much, I am hoping for clarity and direction for tomorrow.  If you feel led, please pray for me.

Big Hugs!